When I die, if the word `thong` appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I`ve screwed up.

I come from the place where I am thinking `I have put my blood on the pages.`

When I die, if the word `thong` appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I`ve screwed up.

I`m not interesting enough on my own that you`d want to see a film about me.

I`d still like to see `Survivor` minus the planned show-biz parts. That would be the purest form of show business - I want to see someone so hungry that they eat somebody else`s foot.

Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won`t be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.

I`ve always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn`t represent anything like the rest of society.

For so long afterward [9/11], whenever I heard anyone talk about Muslims, it was in association with terrorism. But I thought, what could I do in a teeny way - and believe me, it`s a teeny way - to defuse this? There had to be some way to separate the 1.5 billion people who don`t want to kill us from the 100,000 or so who do. I thought if I could get five Muslims and six Hindus and maybe 3 Jews to laugh for 90 minutes, then I`ve accomplished something. [on Looking For Comedy In The Muslim World]

Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won`t be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.

We export films that are full of sleazy [penis] jokes and toilet humor - that`s why we`ve earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan. What`s seemingly benign, by our standards, is doing more damage to us around the world than anything I could ever do.

It`s better to be known by six people for something you`re proud of than by 60 million for something you`re not.

Even if you didn`t see the movie, you`d see two words you`d never seen put together before - comedy and Muslim. Comedy is friendly - it`s the least offensive word in our language.

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.