Americans will respect your beliefs if you just keep them private.

That`s my advice to all homosexuals, whether they`re in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don`t tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier.

How desperate some in the print media are to smear Fox News. In the words of Teresa Heinz Kerry, the newspaper critics can shove it.

Jobs that cannot be delivered must never be promised. It`s unfair to raise people`s hopes that way.

You want to have two guys making out in front of your 4-year-old? It`s OK with them. A guy smoking a joint, blowing the smoke into your little kid`s face? OK with them. And I`m not exaggerating here. This is exactly what the secular movement stands for.

They established their patriotic credentials long ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when to keep their traps shut.

Yeah, I`m obnoxious, yeah, I cut people off, yeah, I`m rude. You know why? Because you`re busy.

Dan Rather is guilty of not being skeptical enough about a story that was politically loaded.

Lotsa people want to hurt me. That`s the price you pay for being a big mouth.

I`ve been to Africa three times. All right? You can`t bring Western reasoning into the culture. The same way you can`t bring it into fundamental Islam.

It`s hard to do it because you gotta look people in the eye and tell `em they`re irresponsible and lazy. And who`s gonna wanna do that? Because that`s what poverty is, ladies and gentlemen. In this country, you can succeed if you get educated and work hard. Period. Period.

As the tree is bent, so it will grow.

If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it`s clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again.

Public misbehavior by the famous is a powerful teaching tool.

When I die, I don`t want my demise to be used as a political rally, and that`s what happened yesterday.

This country is a better place because Fox News has succeeded.

You could put on monkeys jumping up and down and get bigger numbers than MSNBC.

If you get to be as smart and as talented as me, you`ll have a show. That won`t happen.

[His impression of Harvard University] Well, the faculty at the Kennedy School of Government was pretty good when I was there. The most interesting class I had was `Persuasion`, and I use a lot of the points I learned there on the air to try to get people to listen to you so they understand it.

I`ve said `shut up` six times in 12 years and they all deserved it. They were either bloviating, filibustering or lying.

When I am dead, my tombstone will read, `He finally stopped talking.`

My father didn`t tell me anything. My father just said: `Shut up. Eat your food. There are people starving in Korea,` but he didn`t - he didn`t offer a lot of career counseling, but he never discouraged me.

Does anyone know where the Best Men are? I hope they`re not in the parking lot stealing our hubcaps.

We`d save lives because Mexican wetbacks, whatever you want to call them, the coyotes - they`re not going to do what they`re doing now, so people aren`t going to die in the desert. So we save lives, all right, and we seal it down and make it one hundred times harder to come across.

Generally speaking, the elite media believe that the majority in this country -- white Christian Americans -- are prone to oppressing the minority. The elites rightfully point to the civil rights struggle as an example of how the majority can hurt a minority until the forces of reason stepped in.

And the elites firmly believe that not much has changed in 40 years; that white Christian-Americans must be kept in check, or they will violate minority rights.

You are about to enter a no-spin zone!