My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I don`t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It`s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it`s supposed to give you a parking space. It`s worked so far.

It`s very awkward to be kind of big in your own field. It limits what you`re offered. People are swayed by the fact that you`re a comedian or a musician or whatever they think you are. When it comes to choosing you, they get a bit shaky about offering you a different type of role. But I`ve really been very lucky. When you compare me to other comedians, I`ve been very fortunate. So you`ll get no complaints.

I`ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he`s telling them all different things.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I don`t know why I should have to learn Algebra... I`m never likely to go there.

I don`t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I`ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that`s mostly what I`m offered.

I`m now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn`t try it on.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

There are two seasons in Scotland - Winter and July.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He`s a mile away and you`ve got his shoes!

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Life for me is great. I`m a very f***in` wealthy person, I`m married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there`s a nuclear attack it`ll look exactly the same afterwards.

I`m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world`s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they`re delightful. They all want so little.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

I`d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I`ve been learning more about it as I`ve been doing interviews. I didn`t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!

I don`t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don`t want to say I don`t believe in God, but I don`t think I do. But I believe in people who do.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce -- my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions -- the absurdity of the thing.