It`s funny because it`s funny.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

It`s so crazy in Hollywood.

When I started I`d fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn`t have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

My career is just kind of crazy.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that`s depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

I`m like a Dilbert cartoon.

There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.

It`s just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I`m sure I will, but I`m just trying to postpone it.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

To be famous and broke is hard.

I have no detectable hair style.

Success? You can`t get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, `That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He`s horrible.`

"Success? You can`t get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, `That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He`s horrible.`"

"I`ve been with a beautiful girl from time to time."

"I just couldn`t have gone into a room where Chris was in a box." [on why he chose not to attend actor/friend Chris Farley`s funeral]