Quotes
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Ralph: Don`t start that again, Alice. No wife of mine is gonna work. I got my pride. You know, no Kramden woman has ever supported her husband. The Kramden men are the workers in the family.
Alice: Wait a minute, Ralph. What about your father? For a long time there he didn`t work at all.
Ralph: But neither did my mother. At least he kept his pride, Alice. He went on relief.
[Alice is asking Trixie to pick up some groceries for her when Ralph walks in]
Alice: Maybe you won`t have to get the margarine, Trix. Four hundred pounds of lard just walked in.
Ralph: You have just said the secret word, Alice. You have just won a trip to the moon.
Alice: Ralph, what do you need ten dollars for? What crazy scheme have you got in mind now?
Ralph: It ain`t no crazy scheme. I need the money to rent a costume for the party tomorrow night.
Alice: Rent a costume? I thought you were going to do what you did last year - wear a torn undershirt, talk out of the side of your mouth and go as Marlon Brando.
Ralph: If any of the Racoons ever get sick, it`ll be my responsibility to go and visit them.
Alice: Oh, that is a very important responsibility, Ralph. You better start now and find out what the visiting hours are at Bellevue.
Ralph: That did it, Alice - that did it. You have just broken the camel`s back with that straw. You have ridiculed my brother Racoons. You have just made fun of something very big that`s close to my heart.
Alice: The only thing big that`s close to your heart is your stomach.
Ralph: Wouldn`t it be a lot easier just to buy a new watch?
Norton: I don`t need a new watch, Ralph. There`s nothing wrong with this one. It just needs a new mainspring, that`s all. I`ll have to find out where to get it repaired. I think I`ll write a letter to Walt Disney about it tonight.
Ralph: Norton, if a man in a white coat ever knocks on your door, don`t ask for tutti-frutti, `cause he ain`t the Good Humor man.
Ralph: I have - I`ve got an explanation. A perfect one. I`m a dope. Not a run-of-the-mill dope, the world`s champ. For years I`ve been talking for granted the most wonderful thing tht`s ever happened to me - you. I`ve never shown you the appreciation you deserve, Alice. You could walk outta that door right now and I wouldn`t blame you. You deserve something better than me. There are a million guys who`d give you anything if they could have a girl like you.
Alice: Ralph, I don`t want a million. There`s just one guy I want: you.
Ralph: Baby, you`re the greatest.
Ralph: This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into.
Alice: The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.
Ralph: Norton, I`m gonna count to five. And when I get to five you better be out that door.
Norton: I`m not a-scared of you. If you could count they wouldn`t be investigating your taxes.
Ralph: Yessir, this is the time I`m gonna get my pot of gold.
Alice: Just go for the gold, you`ve already got the pot.
[repeated line]
Ralph: One of these days, one of these days... POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!
[repeated line]
Ralph: Har har, hardee har har!
[repeated line]
Ralph: Bang, zoom!
Ralph: One of these days, Alice, one of these days... bang... zoom.
Alice: Ralph, if Trixie doesn`t start getting some sleep, she`ll waste away.
Ralph: Trixie wasting away? What about me wasting away?
Alice: You couldn`t waste away in nine years.
Ralph: How would you like to waste away on the moon?
Ralph: Hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana.
Alice: Ralph there`s only one thing you can do. Only one thing. You just gotta go down there and give them back the $5, 000 and tell them the truth.
Ralph: They don`t care about the $5, 000. This installment is on the stands now. They`ll be laughed out of the business. What are they going to put in the next installment? Bus driver won`t die from scratching fleas?
Ralph: [placing hands on hips] I`ve got it here, and I`ve got it here.
Alice: [placing hands on hips and stomach] You`ve got it here, you`ve got it here, and you`ve got it here.
Ralph: Hold it. Hooolllddd it. Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE... WHAT`S GOING ON HERE?
Alice: Nothing Ralph, Carlos is just teaching us the mambo.
Trixie: That`s right Ralph, Carlos is teaching us the mambo.
Ralph: Ohhhhhhh, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that puts a different light on everything... when I first came in here, I didn`t know what you were doing... now I know, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that makes a world of difference... EVERYBODY OUT.
[the golf lesson]
Norton: First, you address the ball... hello, ball.
Ralph Kramden: There`s a riot, the two of us hiding our Christmas gifts like we`re a couple of kids when we couldn`t wait to see `em till tomorrow. (chuckles) What`re you getting me?
[repeated line]
Ed Norton: Sheesh. What a grouch.
Ed Norton: Tough luck, Ralphie-boy.
Ralph Kramden: You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is... well, it`s about the best time of the whole year. When you walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there`s lights hanging up, green ones and red ones, sometimes there`s snow and everyone`s hustling some place. But they don`t hustle around Christmastime like they usually do. You know, they`re a little more friendlier... they bump into you, they laugh and they say, "Pardon me. Merry Christmas"... especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody`s walking home, you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringin`, kids are singing, the snow is coming down. And boy what a pleasure it is to think that you`ve got some place to go to. And that the place that you`re going to, there`s somebody in it that you really love. Some one you`re nuts about. Merry Christmas.
Ralph: You`re a riot, Alice. You`re a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, `cause that`s where you`re goin`.
Alice: What am I supposed to tell my mother when you`re not here?
Ralph: I don`t care. Tell her I ran off and joined the circus.
Alice: What as, an elephant?
Ralph: Oh, you`re a riot, Alice, a regular riot. I`ll bet you got the whole building laughing. Ha, ha, ho, ho! You know, you`re the one who oughta join a circus. You oughta be in the circus. You`d be funnier than that guy they got there now, Emmett Kelly, the clown. Much funnier. In fact, you look a little bit like him. All except for one thing: the big red nose.
[He raises his fist at Alice]
Ralph: And you might get *that* before this is over
Ralph: [to Alice] You should be in the circus. You`d be funnier than that guy they have there now: Emmett Kelly the clown. You`d be much funnier than him. In fact, you look a little like him, except for one thing: the big red nose.
[Holds up fist]
Ralph: And you might get *that* before this is over.
[Ralph and Norton are about to go to bed together when Ralph shows Norton a toothbrush]
Ralph Kramden: Norton?
Ed Norton: What?
Ralph Kramden: Did you use my toothbrush?
Ed Norton: I dunno.
Ralph Kramden: What do you mean you don`t know?
Ed Norton: Well, you got a red toothbrush and I got a red toothbrush. They was layin` side by side and I didn`t know which was which, so I just went, "Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo."
Ralph Kramden: [holds up toothbrush] Is this Mo?
Ed Norton: [looks at toothbrush] Yep, that`s Mo all right.
Ralph Kramden: Well, for your information, Mo happens to be *my* toothbrush.
Ed Norton: Oh, I was wonderin` why there was somethin` familiar about Miney.
[Norton has seen the Kramdens` new maid, Thelma]
Ralph: What do you think of the maid, Norton?
Norton: Well, without a doubt, Ralph, you have achieved the height of gracious living. You are one of the 400. In fact, you could be *all* of the 400.
[Ralph says a saying that should help prevent him from getting nervous]
Ralph: Pins and needles, needles and pins, it`s a happy man that grins.
Ralph: What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything?
Alice: Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.
Ed Norton: In the words of the immortal bard, Shakespeare, "There are three times in a man`s life when he wants to be alone: one, when he`s communing with his thoughts; two, when he`s being tender with his wife; and three, when he`s in the isolation booth on `The $64,000 Question`."
Alice: I`m the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!
[Alice has insulted Ralph again]
Ralph: Just be a little careful, Alice, a little careful. Remember, the life you save may be your own.
Ralph: I`ve got a
[opens mouth wide]
Ralph: BIG MOUTH!
Norton: Ralph?
Ralph: What?
Norton: You mind if I smoke?
Ralph: I don`t care if you burn.
Ralph: For the last time, Alice, I`m telling you, I`m going for the $99,000 question.
Alice: For the last time, Ralph, I`ll be very happy if you win the 600 bucks.
Ralph: $600? Peanuts, peanuts! What am I gonna do with peanuts?
Alice: Eat `em, like any other elephant.
Ralph: [to Alice] Let`s get one thing straight right now, right here and now: a man`s home is just like his ship. And I am the captain of this ship, that`s what I am, you understand. You`re nothing but a lowly, third-class seaman. That`s all you are. Your duties are to get the mess, swab the deck and see that the captain feels good. That`s all you have to do. Remember, I`m the captain and you`re just a third-class seaman.
[He notices that Alice is leaving and he stops her]
Ralph: Where are you going?
Alice: Seaman Kramden, third class, is retiring to the poop deck until this big wind blows over.
[leaves the room]
Ralph: [after Alice has insulted his golf playing] How`d you like to go sailing over the clubhouse, huh, Alice?
Ed Norton: Heeey, Ralphie Boy!
[repeated line]
Ralph: You are a mental case!
Ralph: Just remember, you can`t put you arms around a memory.
Alice: I can`t even put my arms around you.
[Ralph can`t get a ring off his finger]
Ralph: Is there any lard around here?
Alice: Yeah, about 300 pounds.
Ralph: Oh, you`re gonna get yours!
[a child sees Ralph in his Raccoon Lodge uniform]
Child: Gee, I never knew Davy Crockett was so fat!
Ed Norton: Like we say in the sewer, "time and tide wait for no man".
[Ralph receives a letter from the I.R.S]
Ralph: Don`t you realize how serious this is? They`re investigating me!
Alice: Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated.
Norton: You`re darn right! The jails are full of them!
Alice: Yelling out the window is bad manners.
Ralph: Don`t you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She`s been yelling out the window for 80 years.
Alice: Yeah? Before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to "Amos `n` Andy".
[Ralph has been laid off]
Ed Norton: I know just how you feel because I went through the same thing two or three years ago when they laid me off from the sewer. I felt just like a fish out of water.
Ralph: What I say goes.
Alice: Than you better say "Alice" because I`m going.
Alice: I`ll go fix my lipstick. I won`t be long, Killer. I call you "Killer" because you slay me.
Ralph: And I`m calling Bellview because you`re nuts!
Ed Norton: What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy?
Ralph: I`m making a list of all my weak points.
Ed Norton: Oh. Is that all the paper you`re going to use?
Mr. Weidermeyer: Well, I`m pretty lucky too. I have a wife who, whenever she gets something for herself, she gives something to me.
Ralph: I wanna say, Mrs. Weidermeyer, that that`s very thoughtful. It`s not many wives who want to give their husbands something.
Alice: Oh, I don`t know, Ralph. I`ve been thinking of giving you something!... And you may get it real soon!
Mrs. Weidermeyer: We have pet names for eath other.
Ralph: Pet names for each other? Now isn`t that cute. I betcha that was your idea.
Mrs. Weidermeyer: Yes, it was. (to Alice) Don`t you have certain names you like to call your husband?
Alice: Oh, I have several I`d love to call him.
Mrs. Weidermeyer: All you have to do is pick out your husband`s outstanding feature and find a name that fits.
Alice: Oh, I see. (to Ralph) Isn`t that a good idea, Tubby?
Mrs Weidermeyer: What a husband you have. He certainly is a treasure.
[Mrs. Weidermeyer leaves the room]
Alice: A treasure? He keeps this up much longer he`s going to be a BURIED treasure.
[Alice is planning the menu for Ralph`s birthday party]
Alice: On second thought, I better make that a cocoanut cake.
Trixie: Why? Ralph`s crazy about chocolate cake.
Alice: That`s just it! I bought a new belt for his birthday and I wanna make sure it fits the day after.
Trixie: Well, you can always exchange it for a larger size.
Alice: There is no larger size.
Trixie: Whoever said the Age of Chivalry is dead was right. I know the two guys that killed it. Oh, Alice, our campaign has been a complete flop. On the way to the bus they walked twenty feet ahead of us. And they only talked to each other. And if that isn`t bad enough, on the bus there are just two empty seats. And who sits in those two empty seats?
Alice: Ralph.
Ralph: Why should I give up bowling? It`s my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep my weight down.
Alice: You don`t need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up.
Ralph: It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I`m the treasurer, Alice, I`m responsible. If I don`t get some money into that treasury, you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. You know what that means?
Alice: Yeah. Real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up one hundred percent!
Ed Norton: [to Ralph] Look, just don`t get upset. You`re gettin` all upset now. Let`s calm down and look nice when we get down there. There`s no sense in getting upset. Now listen, the boys in the sewer, there, when we get upset we got a little motto... a little saying that gives us comfort in time of need. Maybe I can pass it on to you. May I favor you with this little ode? "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat. Don`t waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float."
Ralph: Me and my silly pride. I promise you this, Norton, I`m gonna learn. I`m gonna learn from hereon in how to swallow my pride.
Ed Norton: Well that ought not to be too hard. You learned how to swallow everything else.
Ralph: GET OUT!
Ralph: I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen. And it wasn`t my fault, Alice, it wasn`t my fault.
Alice: No. No, it wasn`t your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one pound bag.
[Ed has been fired]
Ed Norton: Ol` Ed Norton, reliable old Ed Norton, working seventeen years in the sewer. And now everything`s down the drain!
Ed Norton: [returning to television] Official space helmet on, Captain Video!
Ralph: Do you want my salary to leak out?
Alice: *Your* salary couldn`t *drip* out.
Ed Norton: Poor little pizza, ain`t good for nothin`.
Alice: So, how`s your plumbing?
Norton: Still broken. I never thought I`d work eight hours in a sewer and come home wanting to see water!
Ed Norton: [reading from a script as he helps Ralph rehearse] I do not possess a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies.
Ralph: I`m glad to hea-... a string of poloponies? Where do you see that?
Ed Norton: [pointing] Right there... a string of poloponies
Ralph: That`s a string of *polo ponies*!
Ed Norton: Well, let`s face it, Ralph. You`re not the easiest guy in the world to shop for, you know? It`s pretty tough to get a guy something that, well, a guy that`s got everything.
[Norton recites the Captain Video Ranger pledge]
Norton: I, Edward L. Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.
[repeated line]
Ralph: A mere bag of shells.
Ralph: [Talking about his mother-in-law] Why couldn`t she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble?
[Ralph and Norton are talking about the Kramdens` new maid]
Norton: Is she anything like that maid we saw in that burlesque show?
Ralph: What maid?
Norton: You know, that one that helped Lily St. Cyr into the bathtub full of wine. Is she like that?
Ralph: No, she`s not like that maid. She looks more like the one that installed the bathtub.
[Ralph and Norton go to the IRS and sees Richard Puder]
Richard Puder: Which one of you gentlemen is Kramden?
Norton: He`s Kramden, I`m clean.
Alice: Spell "antidisestablishmentarianism".
Ralph: I`ll spell it.
[pauses apprehensively]
Ralph: I`ll spell it!
Alice: [waiting patiently] Well? Go ahead.
Ralph: I`ll spell it!
[agitated]
Ralph: I`ll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it!
Alice: [sarcastically] $16,000? I`ll give you *$32,000* if you can SAY it!
[Ralph puts Norton on notice that their friendship is "suspended" for the duration of the costume competition]
Ralph: From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don`t want to talk to you, I don`t want to see you, I don`t want to have nothing to do with you. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.
Norton: When you come down the street, there AIN`T no other side!
Ralph: You`re the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a penny on the sidewalk. I wouldn`t.
Alice: You couldn`t.
[the Kramdens have received a letter from their mother, saying she is coming for a short visit. Ralph thinks it`s his mother-in-law]
Ralph: [to Alice] Alice, your mother isn`t setting one foot in this house. Not one foot or we`ll never get rid of her!
Alice: Ralph, it just said she was just coming for a *short* visit.
Ralph: Short visit? Ha! You know what her short visits are. Like the last time she came for a short visit, just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year`s. The only trouble is she came New Year`s and stayed `til Christmas!
[Ralph is surprised to learn that Alice wants to go roller-skating and he doesn`t exactly like that idea]
Ralph: Let`s face it, Alice, we`ve been out of the age range of roller-skating since Alf Landon stopped being presidential timber.
Trivia
Pert Kelton, the original Alice, left while the sketch was still part of "The Jackie Gleason Show" (1952) due to purported health problems (it was later revealed she had been blacklisted). Audrey Meadows was approached for suggestions about who could replace Kelton. After rattling off a list of actresses, none of whom were suitable for one reason or another, Meadows finally suggested herself. Jackie Gleason initially rejected her on the grounds that she was too young and pretty. Meadows, determined to get the part, had a photographer come to her house at 7:00 the next morning, and had pictures taken of herself without makeup, her hair pinned up with combs she`d slept on, and wearing a torn blouse, a skirt, and an apron. When Gleason saw the pictures he exclaimed happily, "That`s Alice!" and asked who it was. When told it was the same young actress he`d rejected the day before, he said, "Any dame with a sense of humor like that deserves the job. Hire her!"
The show was shot "as live" (filmed before an audience, edited and shown later). If you ever notice Jackie Gleason patting himself on the stomach, it was a sign that he had forgotten his line..
Audrey Meadows was the only cast member to receive residual payments for the show for her entire life. This was a result of her shrewd manager, who predicted the prospect of a "rerun" even in the early stages of television, before precedent was set for it. As a part of her contract, she was told to stipulate that if the show were to air in subsequent time slots in the future, she would be payed royalties, which is an interesting bit of history because it`s now a standard condition for all TV work that the involved parties from an episode should get paid for each showing of it. These days it applies to directors, actors, writers, and voice actors, along with others in different capacities as well.
Jackie Gleason rarely liked to rehearse, as he feared it killed the spontaneity of his performance. Co-stars Art Carney, Audrey Meadows and Joyce Randolph eventually took to rehearsing without him, taking turns standing in for him in scenes where Ralph Kramden appeared.
According to Art Carney, the elaborate procedure Ed Norton would go through whenever he had to sign something was originally an ad-lib. He based it on the performance his own father would go through when signing his school report card.
The four main characters later became the prototypes for the four main characters in "The Flintstones" (1960).
The apartment building`s address was 328 Chauncey Street in Brooklyn, New York City. This was Jackie Gleason`s childhood address and the apartment he grew up in served as the model for the set. Although it is stated that the characters live in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn the address is actually in Bushwick. Gleason believed that Bensonhurst sounded more like a Brooklyn neighborhood to viewers outside of New York City.
Jackie Gleason refused to work with Art Carney in anything besides Honeymooners material until the TV movie Izzy & Moe (1985) (TV).
Art Carney`s first appearance on The Honeymooners was not as Ed Norton, but a cop who gets hit by a barrel of flour in the very first "Honeymooners" sketch on "The Jackie Gleason Show" (1952).
Trixie Norton`s real name was Thelma.
Ralph`s phrase "To the moon, Alice!" was ranked #2 in TV Guide`s list of "TV`s 20 Top Catchphrases" (21-27 August 2005 issue).
Ed`s full name is Edward Lilywhite Norton.
Two episodes were filmed per week instead of the usual one per week for weekly shows.
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