Quotes
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[the Cat is looking at a photo]
The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
Conrad: That`s my mom.
[pause]
The Cat: Awkward.
The Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
The Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!
Sally: The fish is talking.
The Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.
Conrad: I`m not going to military school.
Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you`re gonna love it! It`s just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
Sally: You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
The Cat: Alright, I`ll try.
Sally: [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don`t try, you do!
The Cat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It`s better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh, you mean...
The Cat: NO! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!
[repeated line]
The Cat: Oh yeah!
The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
Sally: Like being in the circus!
The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.
The Cat: There is a third option!
[Vaudeville Keyboard music]
Sally: There is?
The Cat: Yes. It involves... MURDER!
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
The Cat: [English accent] I`ll get you, and it`ll look like a bloody accident.
The Cat: Scream and run.
[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]
The Cat: Son of a (beep)!
Sally: Where did you come from?
The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that-
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?
The Cat: My place, what do you think?
The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That`s disgusting. I do it for nothing.
The Cat: C`mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don`t wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It`s just a crate.
The Cat: This isn`t just any old crate, it`s the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It`s kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
The Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines.
Lawrence Quinn: Why am I sneezing?
The Cat: [tapping on Quinn`s shoulder] That`d be me. BOO!
The Cat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That`s impossible!
The Cat: [as the cook] You`re not just wrong, you`re stupid.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...
The Cat: [as the cook] And you`re ugly, just like your mum.
[to a hoe]
The Cat: Dirty Hoe... I`m sorry, baby. I love you.
The Fish: Oh my Cod!
Sally: Who are you?
The Cat: Who, Me? Why I`m The Cat in the Hat, there`s no doubt about that. I`m a super fundiferous feline, who`s here to make sure that you`re...”meline"...”key lime"...”turpentine". I got nothing! I`m not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I`m a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!
Mom: Well, if you`re both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City Morgue".
Sally: Mommy, can`t I have some rules?
Mom: No chewing tobacco.
The Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother`s rules!
[the phone rings, and The Cat answers it]
The Cat: City Morgue!
The Fish: EIGHTEEN!
Lawrence Quinn: Anything for my little Princess.
Sally: Oh, I don`t wanna be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.
The Cat: Without my hat, I`m just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.
[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]
Conrad, Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!
The Fish: [on the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!
The Fish: Someone else should drive!
The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
The Cat: I don`t know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
Sally: I want to drive.
The Cat: I think that`s a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can`t drive at the same time.
The Cat: You`re right. We should all drive.
[gets his own wheel]
Mom: [on phone] What do you mean you`re leaving? You`re a baby sitter. Baby sitters don`t leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.
Mr. Humberfloob: First, I`d like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan.
[McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob`s hand, to everyone else`s shock]
Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you-
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: [shouting] Fireeeee-dah!
[McFinnigan runs away crying]
The Cat: Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.
Mr. Humberfloob: [speaking to Joan] If your house is as messy as last time, you`re FIRRRRRRRE-DUH!
Conrad: So, what do we do?
The Cat: Well, there are two treatments I`d recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!
Sally: How many shots?
The Fish: A dog goes, "Woof woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy`s trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...
Thing Two: Don`t belittle me.
The Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he`s inferior to Thing 1.
Thing Two: And all of the above.
The Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two: Ben.
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
The Cat: Thing 1 says he`s Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It`s a Thing thing, you wouldn`t understand.
Trivia
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Tim Allen was originally cast as the title role, but couldn`t do it because he was filming The Santa Clause 2 (2002).
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# Among the props stolen from the production were an 8-foot pair of glasses, a 6-foot by 4-foot by 8-foot anvil, a 4-foot key and a golf ball 7 feet in diameter that weighed more the 200 pounds - total value: $55,000. The stolen props where later found at mall dumpster, covered in graffiti.
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# The pink-housed village was built especially for the movie in the Moorpark, California area, on a hillside just south of the 118 freeway. When it was first constructed many local residents complained to their elected officials that such an eyesore had been allowed to be built, but were assured that it was just a movie set built and that it would be torn down upon completion of filming which, by December 2002, it was.
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# The Cat costume is made of Angora and human hair and was fitted with a cooling system. To keep Myers cool during the outdoor shoots, a portable air conditioner was available that connected a hose to the suit between shots. The tail and ears were battery operated.
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# Mike Myers said that the Cat`s personality is a composite of director/producer Bruce Paltrow, his "Saturday Night Live" character "Linda Richman", and actor Charles Nelson Reilly.
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# The downtown area outdoor shots were filmed along a Pomona, California street where a number of antique and gift shops are located. The community decided not to redecorate after filming ended, so the surreal paint scheme and some of the signage can still be seen as it appears in the movie.
When the kids are signing the contract and discover the Spay & Neuter certificate, the Date of Birth on the certificate is 25 May 1963 - Mike Myers` own birthday.
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