Quotes
 Patches O`Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Justin: What?
[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face] Patches O`Houlihan: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
Amber: Justin! I love you!
Justin: I lov...
White Goodman: [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chachi!
White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I`ll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.
White Goodman: I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur: Okay, I`m not sure where you`re going with this.
White Goodman: Well, I`m not sure where *you`re* going with this.
Peter La Fleur: That`s what I said.
White Goodman: That`s what I`m saying to *you*.
Peter La Fleur: All right.
White Goodman: ...TouchÈ.
Peter La Fleur: You need some help leaving White?
White Goodman: This doesn`t concern you, Lafleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does, that`s for sure, but uh, I believe she asked you to leave.
White Goodman: I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. I`ll let you have your little moment, LaFleur, `cause after this tournament, your gym, your life - and your gal - are gonna be mine. To be continued.
Kate Veatch: [Judo-grabs White Goodman] You don`t get to touch me, ever!
Peter La Fleur: Okay, Romeo, let me help you up.
White Goodman: Get off of me, don`t you touch me. It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood - nobody!
Peter La Fleur: Come on, Kate. It`s time to put your mouth where our balls are.
Lance Armstrong: Could I get a bottle of water. - - Hey, aren`t you Peter La Fleur?
Peter La Fleur: Lance Armstrong!
Lance Armstrong: Yeah, that`s me. But I`m a big fan of yours.
Peter La Fleur: Really?
Lance Armstrong: Yeah, I`ve been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can`t get enough of it. But, good luck in the tournament. I`m really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you`re gonna be late.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.
Lance Armstrong: Quit? You know, once I was thinking about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I`m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that`s keeping you from the finals?
Peter La Fleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.
Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn`t anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I`m sure this decision won`t haunt you forever.
[opening: Globo Gym commercial]
Globo Gym Announcer: Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?
White Goodman: [finshing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I`m White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I`m here to tell you that you don`t have to be stuck with what ya got.
[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]
White Goodman: Hey, Rory. Looking good. Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it`s only your fault if you don`t hate yourself enough to do something about it.
White Goodman: [climbing on the rocky wall; grunts] And that`s where we come in.
[evil laughter]
White Goodman: Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine!
White Goodman: [wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair] Of course you`ll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I`m not only the founder of Globo Gym. I`m also a client.
[a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago]
White Goodman: That`s me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don`t just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.
Peter La Fleur: That feels good. Oh, that tickle machine
[chuckles]
Peter La Fleur: [Peter`s dog, Crash, jumps on him]
Peter La Fleur: Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog! No grundle.
White Goodman: [from the G.G. commercial] C`mon down and join the winning team, because here at Globo Gym...
White & The Globo Gym Team: [all together] We`re better than you...
White Goodman: and we know it!
Peter La Fleur: [disgust] Spare me.
[closing credits; 1st ever Average Joe`s commerical upon the takeover from Globo Gym]
Peter La Fleur: Hi. I`m Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe`s Gym. And I`m here to tell you, you`re perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin` healthier, and making some good friends in the process...
[hands a towel to a female member]
Peter La Fleur: ...then Joe`s is the place for you. Don`t forget that Youth Dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it`s supposed to be played. Right, kids?
Average Joe`s Kids: Right!
[throws the balls at Peter and the team]
[a classic Dodgeball instructional film begins]
Uber Film Narrator: [U.A.I.F fanfare] Uber-American Instructional Films, teaching America`s youth since 1938.
[Opening; A boy rides a scooter, while a girl jogs behind him. Now we see a young boy painting a fence]
Uber Film Narrator: Hey there, Timmy!
Timmy: [yells] Holy mackerel, Mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.
Uber Film Narrator: How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint... and learn about Dodgeball?
Timmy: Boy, would I!
[the next scene take Timmy into a Opium Dem in China]
Timmy: Wow! Where am I, Mister?
Uber Film Narrator: You`re in a Chinese Opium Dem, Timmy. This is where the sport of Dodgeball was invented in the 15th Century... by Opium-addictive Chinamen. But back then, the Chinamen threw severed heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.
Timmy: A.D.A.A.?
Uber Film Narrator: That`s the American Dodgeball Association of America. Dodgeball is played with six players on each team... and six rubber balls. The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. Once all the players on team are eliminated, the opposing team wins!
Timmy: Wow! I can`t wait to get the fellas together and play!
Patches O`Houlihan: I ain`t crazy and I ain`t a guy.
Steve the Pirate: I`m gonna send you all to hell!
White Goodman: In thirty days I`ll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, are inside it when I do.
White Goodman: Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!
Steve the Pirate: The dread pirate Steve be in no man`s debt. I`ll make a barter with ya; true as the north star. In exchange for your kindness, I`ll be sharing me buried treasure with ya... once I find it, that be.
Kate Veatch: [Peter sees her house for the first time] I like... unicorns.
Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O`Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O`Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it`s sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.
Owen: [after Patches O`Houlihan has been killed] Look on the bright side, at least we`ve still got Peter!
Dwight: Yeah, but Globo Gym`s got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer`s"! Without Patches, we`re going to get our taints handed to us, that`s what!
Justin: [Whispers to Gordon] What`s a taint?
Gordon: I don`t know, but it sounds *bad*!
White Goodman: I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.
White Goodman: [about Average Joe`s] Oh, really, you like it over there with those freaks in Losertown?
Kate Veatch: Freaks? They`re not freaks, they`re people just like you and me.
White Goodman: People, haha, people just like you and me! That is what I love about you Kate! You`ve got a *personality*!
Kate Veatch: [outside Kate`s house] White? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?
White Goodman: It`s called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.
Dwight: We`re still missing the teenage love puppy and Steve the Pirate.
Owen: Who`s Steve the Pirate?
Dwight: The only guy on our team that dresses like a pirate!
Owen: Wait, there`s a guy on our team who dresses like a pirate?
White Goodman: Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn`t sell you your gym back for all of King Midas` silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!
Peter La Fleur: You`re right, White. I can`t make you sell back my gym, so I`ll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
White Goodman: That`s preposterous! I`d never allow it.
Kate Veatch: Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there`s nothing you can do about it.
Peter La Fleur: So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe`s Gym!
[Average Joe`s Team cheering]
Peter La Fleur: I`m your new boss, White.
White Goodman: You can`t be my boss! Nobody`s my boss! I`m my own boss! I created myself!
Peter La Fleur: You`re fired, pal.
Gordon: Hey, Honey!
[his wife gives the "L" sign]
Gordon: "L" for love! Good times.
Dwight: "L" for love? That doesn`t mean love, Gordon...
Peter La Fleur: No, it`s... people have different translations for different things and that`s a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that`s nice. It`s fine.
[the Average Joes are dressed in S&M leather]
Audience Member: Hey, asshole! You guys suck!
White Goodman: [the judges vote to let Average Joe`s play] That is pure poppycock!
[while everyone is doing the shuttle run]
Patches O`Houlihan: Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!
Dwight: Bad morning boss?
Peter La Fleur: They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
White Goodman: This is it, La `Loser.` You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
Peter La Fleur: Just don`t go cryin` to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
White Goodman: You don`t go cryin` to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
Peter La Fleur: Uh, White?
White Goodman: Yeah?
Peter La Fleur: You look awful fat in those pants.
Casino Worker: [a casino worker and a security guard wheels out a huge treasue chest] Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratuations.
Peter La Fleur: Right on time. I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
White Goodman: [curious with anger] Winnings? What winnings? What winnings? What is that?
Peter La Fleur: Oh, gosh! I totally forgot to tell you, White. I took the $100,000 bribe you gave me last night and I put on us to win. We were going at fifty to one. Anyone? Top of your head. What`s 50 times $100,000?
Owen: $50,000?
Kate Veatch: $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
Peter La Fleur: [opens the treasure chest, revealing stacks of cash] Surprise!
Kate Veatch: For instance, do you realize you haven`t collected any membership fees in 13 months?
Peter La Fleur: Hmmm...
Kate Veatch: I`m curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don`t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.
Kate Veatch: Well I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
Peter La Fleur: Sad? You want to know what`s sad? Six grown men playing dodgeball.
White Goodman: Your "gym" is a skidmark on the underpants of society.
White Goodman: Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn`t aware I was paying you to "socialize".
Kate Veatch: You`re not. I`m off the clock.
White Goodman: Well, isn`t that convenient for you? And the clock.
Young Patches O`Houlihan: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
Patches O`Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It`s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!
Dodgeball Chancellor: Captains, shake hands. Let`s have a clean match.
Peter La Fleur: [holds out his hand] Good luck, White.
White Goodman: [reaches to take it, then pulls a psych] Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur!
[last lines]
White Goodman: You happy? Fatty make a funny?
[White reaches out to kiss Kate]
White Goodman: To be continued...
[She twists his arm and slams his face into the wall]
Kate Veatch: You don`t get to touch me, ever!
Patches O`Houlihan: If you`re going to become true dodgeballers, then you`ve got to learn the five d`s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
White Goodman: Fuckin` Chuck Norris!
White Goodman: And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You`re their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?
White Goodman: This doesn`t concern you, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does.
Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn`t think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
White Goodman: Yes, I did.
Cotton McKnight: And the Average Joe`s beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.
Pepper Brooks: I feel *shocked*.
Peter La Fleur: You`re adopted! Your parents don`t even love you!
From trailer: Victory. Honor. Pride. All these mean nothing... if you don`t have balls.
Patches O`Houlihan: My sweet dick, it`s magic!
Cotton McKnight: I`m being told that Average Joe`s does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
Pepper Brooks: It`s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let`s see if it pays off for `em.
Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I`d seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
[after sudden death is announced]
Cotton McKnight: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sport: sudden-death dodgeball.
Pepper Brooks: Pepper needs new shorts!
White Goodman: Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?
Peter La Fleur: White?
White Goodman: We`re opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City, so I`ve been boning up on my Spanish.
White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we`re better than you, and we know it.
Peter La Fleur: Look, White, I know that we`ve had our differences in the past...
White Goodman: Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur: That was one night.
White Goodman: Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?
Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman: It was also a man!
Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn`t make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
White Goodman: We should mate.
Kate Veatch: What?
White Goodman: Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.
[Kate retches, then forces it down]
White Goodman: Are you okay?
Kate Veatch: I`m fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White Goodman: In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.
Peter La Fleur: Thank you, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris: Thank *you*, Peter.
White Goodman: Suck failure, freaks.
Steve the Pirate: Steve`s gotta go drain the sea-monster.
White Goodman: [a hyper-obese White watches the commercial for Average Joe`s before turning off the TV in disgust] Spare me... I won that tournament... fuckin` Chuck Norris!
Peter La Fleur: You had me at blood and semen.
Dwight: We could sell blood and semen.
[everyone gives him a strange look]
Dwight: What? Not mixed together.
Cotton McKnight: Looks like it`s gonna be a two-on-one, a m»nage ? trois of pain.
Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.
Kate Veatch: That... is a really interesting painting.
White Goodman: Thank you. Yeah, that`s me, taking the bull by the horns. It`s how I handle business. It`s a metaphor.
Kate Veatch: I get it.
White Goodman: But that actually happened, though.
White Goodman: There`s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you`re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I`m just kidding. But seriously, I`ve got `em.
Cotton McKnight: It`s time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.
Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
Justin: Yeah. Why?
Peter La Fleur: Nothing. High school`s changed a bit since I was a kid.
Cotton McKnight: It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe`s into the proverbial pumpkin.
Pepper Brooks: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
Dwight: [as Kate kisses Joyce] I told you she was a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: Wow. Good call.
Kate Veatch: Hey! I`m not a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: You`re not?
Kate Veatch: No. I`m bisexual.
[kisses Peter]
Dwight: Oh! Snap!
Justin: This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?
Gordon: Average Joe`s.
Justin: Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe`s closes? You gonna work at the airport again?
Dwight: Say what? I ain`t working at no airport!
Justin: No, `cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?
Steve the Pirate: Garrr! Joe`s be the only place for Steve!
Patches O`Houlihan: [about Gordon getting angry] Go you crazy son of a bitch GO!
Patches O`Houlihan: Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
Pepper Brooks: Effin` A, Cotton, Effin` A!
[Kate decapitates White Goodman`s cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her]
Kate Veatch: What? Eight years of softball.
Dwight: Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: She is *not* a lesbian.
Patches O`Houlihan: All I know is, that dyke can play!
Fran: You are the one that stares at me. Why is this?
Owen: [even though Fran is a tough, scary, Slavic woman] Because you are the most beautiful thing I`ve ever seen.
Cotton McKnight: Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn`t occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!
White Goodman: Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade... Laser... Blazer...
Kate Veatch: Are you reading the dictionary?
White Goodman: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.
White Goodman: Oh, Kate, I didn`t realize you were here.
Kate Veatch: You asked me to come, White.
White Goodman: [reading a dictionary] Well, you caught me, I like to break a mental sweat too.
Cotton McKnight: Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.
Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White, you`re a lot dumber than I thought.
White Goodman: Oh, I don`t think I`m a lot dumber than you think that I thought I was once.
White Goodman: I`m white. I`m white. W-H-I-T... E.
White Goodman: You`re going down like a sweet muffin!
White Goodman: At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it`s only your fault if you don`t hate yourself enough to do something about it.
Patches O`Houlihan: If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!
White Goodman: Well, that`s it. Good guy wins. Bad guy loses. Big freakin` surprise. That`s the problem with the American cinema: Can`t handle any complexity. "Whoa! Don`t make me think!"
White Goodman: We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras... and we will, we will, rock you!
[the whole team slaps their thighs, then rears up and hisses loudly]
Voice on phone: This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue: "Drunken Hussies 3", "Backdoor Patrol 5" and "Bona Lisa Smile". Thank you.
Cotton McKnight: Average Joe`s has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven`t even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
Peter La Fleur: You must be "Daddy"...
Peter La Fleur: There`s someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there`s two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
Kate Veatch: I`m not a banker, I`m a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.
White Goodman: Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn`t. My gym`s worth over $4 million. Your gym isn`t worth four. I have shareholders. You haven`t even got cup holders.
White Goodman: Do you smell that fitness? I do.
Patches O`Houlihan: I love the smell of queef in the morning.
Owen: I`m gonna catch up with you guys later. I`m gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... in the bathroom.
Dwight: Whatever you do, wash your hands.
Cotton McKnight: We haven`t seen Average Joe`s yet. They haven`t made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.
Pepper Brooks: They`re definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.
Cotton McKnight: Oh! Right in the testicles!
Pepper Brooks: Ouchtown, population you, bro!
Steve the Pirate: Yarr, I be the dread pirate Steve!
Peter La Fleur: Don`t worry so much about this Amber situation. It`ll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You`ll laugh at this one day. I`m laughing already.
White Goodman: Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her nuclear power plant`s team won the championship five years running, which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball. Ball me, Blazer.
[Blazer passes him a dodgeball]
White Goodman: Show them, Fran.
[Fran takes the ball and hurls it at a man on the other side of the bar, knocking him into the jukebox. He drops to the floor, limp]
White Goodman: And that`s just her change-up. End of demo. We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will, we will, rock you!
Justin: [frightened whisper] I think that guy might really be dead.
German Coach: [shouting in German] You are all swine! You have brought shame to your houses! Losers!
Patches O`Houlihan: You couldn`t hit water if you fell out of a boat!
Fran: I am in extreme state of arousal. Please to make sex all over my face.
Fran: Please to do it again... from the backside.
Peter La Fleur: Well, if you can`t raise fifty-thousand dollars with an impromptu carwash, I guess it jus wasn`t in the cards.
Pepper Brooks: Good toss by the submissive out there!
Patches O`Houlihan: I`ve got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
Peter La Fleur: No, thanks I`ll just stick with the scarf, but thank you.
Patches O`Houlihan: Suit yourself, queer.
[Patches turns and drives off]
Patches O`Houlihan: Tomorrow, we`re gonna pecker-slap those Globo-Gym bastards!
Patches O`Houlihan: Son, you`re about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop.
Patches O`Houlihan: [Giving advice from beyond the grave to Peter LaFleur at the climactic game] Listen up, crotch stain. Remember your training, and trust your instincts. You can do it! I believe in you! Bye-bye!
Justin: How many teams are in this qualifier?
Gordon: Uh, two
Justin: So all we have to do is beat this team and we`re in the vegas open, right?
Gordon: Yeah!
Owen: That seems pretty simple.
Dwight: Who`s the other team?
Gordon: Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417
Steve the Pirate: Christ! We`re playin` boyscouts!
Peter La Fleur: Not quite!
[Troop 417 are tough-looking girlscouts. One spits on the ground]
Steve the Pirate: BOLLOCKS!
Dwight: I hope he falls off the roller coaster and breaks every bone in his body.
Kate Veatch: Nice Dwight.
Dwight: Hey I`m just sayin` it happens. My cousin Ray-Ray, boop, dead.
Kate Veatch: You fired me so I would date you?
White Goodman: Yuh-huh.
Kate Veatch: You are a crazy little man.
White Goodman: My gym is worth more than four million dollars, your gym isn`t even worth four. My gym has stockholders, your gym doesn`t even have cup holders.
Peter La Fleur: Why would I want cup holders.
White Goodman: You like the freaky stuff, huh? That`s cool. I can be naughty, too. Real, freaky naughty.
White Goodman: I know you`ve been hiding some feelings for me.
Kate Veatch: Yeah. Nausea. If you don`t leave in two seconds, you`ll know how that feels.
Angry Troop #417 Girl: God damn you, Bernice!
Pepper Brooks: [Average Joe`s team comes out in S & M gear] I feel like I`m watching a Cher video.
Owen: [after Patches got smashed with sign] Well... it`s probably the way he wanted to go...
Dwight: ...What?
Cotton McKnight: [after Average Joes dressed in S&M enters the arena]
[slowly takes off glasses]
Cotton McKnight: ... Oh... my... sweet Jesus...
Pepper Brooks: [stares stupidly] ... that`s rad.
White Goodman: So, that`s the deal... I give you $100,000. You sign over the deed to your gym. Period. End o` story.
Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White? You`re a lot dumber than I thought.
White Goodman: Hmm. Oh, I don`t think I`m a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought I was once.
Trivia
Adult dodgeball leagues began to spring up across the country around the time of the film`s release. Cast member Gary Cole was even invited to a tournament in Chicago.
Ben Stiller broke three cameras in succession filming one scene, and even hit his wife Christine Taylor in the face once.
The climatic final battle is between Average Joe`s and the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, or in other words "Joes vs. Cobras." This is a reference to the `80s toys and cartoon "G.I. Joe" (1985), which featured an ongoing battle between the heroic G.I. Joe team and the evil terrorist organization Cobra. The Globo Gym Purple Cobras logo is of a similar design to that of the evil Cobra organization (though it`s purple, not red).
Rawson Marshall Thurber thought Justin Long was so funny in Galaxy Quest (1999) that he wrote the part of Justin just for him.
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Peter La Fleur`s line "You had me at blood and semen" is a reference to Jerry Maguire (1996) where Dorothy says, "You had me at `hello`."
Brigitte Nielsen was briefly considered for the role of Fran.
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# After the credit, when the extremely obese White does a little dance to `Kelis`` Milkshake song, it`s a reference to viral video clip that circulated on the internet of an extremely large black woman doing the same dance.
In the US, the film is promoted with the tagline "Grab life by the ball". In foreign markets such as the UK and Australia, this is changed to the more risqué "Grab life by the balls".
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# EASTER EGG: On the Special Features section on the DVD, if you click on the Globogym logo at the bottom, you will see a short video with White Goodman talking about easter eggs on the DVD. He tells you that if you press enter every time he snaps his fingers you`ll see an easter egg. These "Easter Eggs" are deleted scenes not included with those in the Special Features. There are 4 White Goodman finger snaps in the movie. The first comes as he gets into the tanning bed, the next when he sends the lawyer out of his office, the next as he motions for Me`shell to pick him up from Kate`s porch, and the last when He motions Me`shell to give him the contract for Peter to sign at the hotel room in Vegas.
There is another finger snap by Ben Stiller as the Cobras leave the Dirty Sanchez.
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# Another easter egg/finger snap is after the scene in White Goodman`s office where he asks Kate out. He snaps for Me`shell. When you press enter, it cuts to a clip of the dodgeball game and then a fat `Ben Stiller says, "You found it."
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# Gary Cole and Jason Bateman had to keep redoing their voice recordings for the dodgeball matches because everyone kept changing stuff in the script during the shoots.
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# Justin Long`s eyebrow was actually cut open by the first wrench thrown at him. All the wrenches thrown were made of rubber, but the first was harder than all the others.
Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor had an 18-month-old baby at home while shooting this film. Taylor was so exhausted from taking care of the baby that she often dozed off in between takes.
According to the director`s commentary on the DVD, Rawson Marshall Thurber wrote the parts of Peter La Fleur, White Goodman, and Justin with Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Justin Long respectively in mind.
The entire cast practiced playing dodgeball about a month before filming began.
According to many cast members, the hardest part of filming the dodgeball scenes was not flinching when they knew they were about to be hit by a ball.
Director Cameo: [Rawson Marshall Thurber] the guy who throws the drink at Steve the Pirate on the Vegas strip.
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# Many studios including Dreamworks and MGM passed on this film. Fox finally agreed when Ben Stiller reduced his salary to well under $1 million. As of March 2005, the film has grossed over $124 million when it only cost $23 millions to make.
Norm MacDonald can be seen in some of the Globo Gym scenes. One is in the Globo Gym commercial. He is in the background working out. At one point he is talking to some girl who is working out and it looks like he`s hitting on her.
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# Calling ESPN 8 "The Ocho" is a reference to the fact that when ESPN 2 was still a relatively young network, at least one of the announcers referred to it as "The Deuce".
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# In the climactic scene of the final Dodgeball match TV announcer Cotton McKnight uses the term "Down goes Goodman! Down goes Goodman!" This is a reference to Howard Cosell`s famous call from the Heavyweight 1973 championship fight between George Foreman and Joe Frazier in which he yelled, "Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier!"
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# When the Average Joes are in the locker room waiting for their teammates before the final match, all the players are wearing pants except Christine Taylor who is wearing shorts. Listening to the DVD commentary you hear that she had pants but refused to wear them because she thought they were too ugly and unflattering.
The DVD contains a fake commentary where the director and two main actors do nothing but fight, and claim to hate each other, before storming out 40 minutes on. The commentary is then replaced with the commentary for `There`s Something About Mary.` The real commentary is on the DVD as an easter egg.
The name of the Bar where the confrontation between White Goodman`s team and Average Joe`s occurs "The Dirty Sanchez" refers to a deviant sexual practice.
In the end of the movie, ESPN 8 announcer Cotton McKnight says "Do you believe in improbabilities? Yes!" This comment is a play on the famous exclamation by Al Michaels when the USA beat Russia in hockey at the 1980 Olympics, "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!".
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# In the original ending, the Average Joes lose the final game at the end. This was changed because test audiences wanted a happy ending. This is also the reason why a fat White Goodman complains about the cliché happy ending after the end credits.
When Troop 417 first appears, the music heard is the old theme music for WWE/ECW wrestler Bob Holly.
The original title was simply ‘Underdog’.
In the scene where Peter walks into his hotel room and White and Me`chelle are there waiting for him, White says "¿Donde esta la bibloteca?" -- translated means "Where is the library?"
Patches O`Houlihan says, "It`s like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob." - a play on "It`s like watching a monkey trying to hump a football.", something 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Coach Herb Brooks said to his team when they were preparing for the 1980 Winter Olympic Games in Lake Placid, NY.
SPOILER: The words "Deus Ex Machina" are printed on the side of the treasure chest at the end of the movie. "Deus Ex Machina" is a Latin phrase meaning "god from the machine," and is derived from a plot device in ancient Greek drama by which a "god" was lowered to the stage by a crane ("machine") to solve a problem which the human characters could not. It`s used to describe an improbable event bringing a solution to a seemingly impossible problem. The "deus ex machina" in this film takes place when Peter bets on Average Joe`s to win the final tournament by using the bribe money White paid him, then using the tournament prize money to buy the majority stocks of Globo-Gym, thereby becoming the owner of both Average Joe`s and Globo-Gym.
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Christine Taylor
(as Kate Veatch)
with Vince Vaughn
(as Peter La Fleur)
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