Quotes
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Martin Beck: I drove over a thousand miles, to hang out with a seven year old.
Junior: I`m going to be eight in two weeks.
Martin Beck: Don`t count on it.
Little Ben Healy: We`ve adopted Satan!
Junior: Hey, Martin! Let`s go see the bearded lady.
Martin: No, I`ve seen too many of them in prison.
Mr. Peabody: Could you act like nuns?
Little Ben Healy: We`re doing what everyone has been doing to him, I mean it`s easy to give up on a kid.
Flo Healy: Damn straight it is.
Little Ben Healy: But isn`t that what`s wrong with the world today? Problems just don`t go, Flo! So the question here is what are we going to do with our little problem child? I`ll tell you what we are going to do. Something no one else has ever done to him before. We`re gonna love him, Flo. We`ll love him when he`s bad, we`ll love him even more when he gets worse, then one day he`s gonna stop and say, "hey, these people really do love me. I don`t have to be bad anymore. What the hey, I can be President of the United States!"
Flo Healy: President of the United States? Are you brain damaged? Junior is gonna be a convict before he`s in third grade!
Mr. Peabody: Maybe all Junior needs is to be loved.
Mother Superior: Let`s cut the crap, Mr. Peabody. Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.
Little Ben Healy: I hope I`m not rushing you, Dear, we can always let nature take it`s course.
Flo Healy: Nature screwed us over, let`s give Congress a try.
Lucy Henderson: Mother, he dresses like the man that cremated Uncle Leo!
Little Ben Healy: This is nature, huh? The trees. The forests.
Junior: [noticing a row of porta-potties] The toilets.
Big Ben Healy: [about Junior being adopted] You don`t know what you`re letting yourself in for. For all you know the kid is liable to end up in the looney bin. He might even be democrat!
Junior: I`m sorry Mr. Healy, please don`t spank me.
Little Ben Healy: Well I`ll have to punish you somehow. I`m taking back you`re allowance.
Junior: The whole buck?
Little Ben Healy: Yes go get it.
Junior: [going through stolen money, thinking to himself] I wonder if he`s got change for a twenty?
Clown: Look, a giraffe!
Martin Beck: Look, a fist!
[Punches him]
Flo Healy: You mean we`ve been doing "it" every night, for nothing?
Junior: I hope you guys are insured.
Junior: Hahahahahaha!
Mr. Peabody: Whats so funny?
Junior: You are ya stupid dick!
Junior: Oh so you wanna play rough huh?
Little Ben Healy: Dad, we adopted.
Big Ben Healy: Are you insane?
Little Ben Healy: I thought you`d be happy.
Big Ben Healy: Happy? You don`t know what you`re letting yourself in for. For all you know, his parents may have met in the looney bin. They might even be democrats!
[imitating Mr. Peabody]
Junior: Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, maybe people will think I know what I`m talking about.
Mother Superior: You see Mr. Peabody the child is incorrigible.
Junior: I`m What? Why don`t you speak English lady?
[Ben and Flo come storming into Mr. Peabody`s office while he`s talking on the phone]
Mr. Peabody: Can I call you back in five minutes?
[hangs up phone]
Little Ben Healy: He`s all yours.
Mr. Peabody: Ben, Flo can we dicuss this?
Flo Healy: There`s nothing to discuss!
Little Ben Healy: We`re signing him back over to you right now!
Mr. Peabody: Bad parents make bad children!
Flo Healy: Oh so now I`m a bad parent just because I hate my kid!
Mr. Peabody: You took him, he`s yours!
Little Ben Healy: That`s because you conned us into him!
Mr. Peabody: What am I supposed to do with the little creep? He`s already been returned 30 times!
Flo Healy: Well this makes 31 Charlie!
Mr. Peabody: Ok Mr and Mrs. "We don`t care about brown hair and brown eyes. We just want him into our home and let him play with our disgusting cat."!
Big Ben Healy: I`m selling my store to the Japs.
Little Ben Healy: I, I, I, but...
Big Ben Healy: I, I, I, but what? You thought I was going to leave it to you one day?
Little Ben Healy: Yeah.
Big Ben Healy: Well I`m not. I`m selling to the Hirohito Corporation.
Little Ben Healy: Well I still get the land don`t I?
Big Ben Healy: No you`re not. I`m selling that too. Everything from here to the river.
Little Ben Healy: What? Dad, I can`t believe this. I slaved to you for 10 years without a raise or a promotion.
Big Ben Healy: Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? How about don`t trust anyone?
Little Ben Healy: Not even your own father?
Big Ben Healy: Especially your own father! You know what your problem is? You`re too nice. I expected a little backstabbing from you. Some ruthless scrambling to get to the top. But you stubbornly refused to follow my example!
[Junior is scrubbing pots and pans on his birthday]
Mother Superior: Junior! What is taking you so long? We start serving dinner in 20 minutes.
Junior: I only got two hands!
Mother Superior: And I want these pots so shiny that I can see my face in them.
Junior: [Grabs a messy lid] This one kind of looks like you.
[Big Ben is about to go on the air for his campaign speech]
Little Ben Healy: Ok I quit as your son!
Big Ben Healy: Good, now get the hell out of here I`ve got a goddamn campaign to win.
Little Ben Healy: Oh your campaign, the one thing you do care about. Hey dad why don`t you tell all the voters what you really plan on doing with this town!
[turns on the TV camera]
Big Ben Healy: [not realizing that he`s on TV] I don`t give a rats ass for the voters! All I care about is the power and the power that`ll give me the money. That`s why I`m a success and you`re not! America for the Americans. You believe that nonsense? You`re stupider than I thought! I`d sell my soul to the Japanese if they made me an offer. And as for you, don`t come suckering around me if you want something! The only thing you`ll get from me is this!
[pulls down his pants and moons the camera]
Junior: [seeing his bedroom full of clowns] Oh my God, they`re retarded.
[after he broke several milk bottles]
Junior: I love the smell of spilled milk in the morning. It smells like victory.
Junior: You ever seen a grown man wear so much blue?
Big Ben Healy: [seeing Junior for the first time] Oh, my God! It`s the devil!
Mr. Peabody: A priest, it’s like a nun with a jacket.
Trivia
References to The Shining (1980).
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# The poster for the movie was a spoof of the poster for Parenthood (1989). Imagine Entertainment produced both films.
The helicopter scene is a parody of a scene from Apocalypse Now (1979). Both scenes feature Ride of the Valkyries playing in the background, and furthermore, Junior`s "I love the smell of milk in the morning, it smells like victory" is a parody of a line `Robert Duvall (I)` spoken in that movie (with the word "napalm" in the place of the word "milk".)
[Director`s Cameo] Dennis Dugan plays the All-American Dad who buys his son a canteen.
The doll that Junior takes the bow-tie from in the orphanage is a My Buddy doll that is missing it`s striped shirt and tennis shoes. When sold in stores, the doll never originally come with a bow-tie.
Throughout the film Ben reads several self help books on parenting. Each book features a photo of the author on the back cover. The author photos are John Ritter in various costumes. This was mirrored in Problem Child 2 (1991) when Lawanda Dumore`s photos of previous husbands are all John Ritter in costumes.
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