Performed by Adam Sandler and Kevin
Transcribed by Big Brother.
Dr. Stewart: Hi, [I`m] Dr. Stewart.
Gary Phelps: Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I`m Gary Phelps.
Dr. Stewart: My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
Gary Phelps: No, I haven`t. I`m actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
Dr. Stewart: All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
Gary Phelps: To be honest with you, I saw your name in the Yellow Pages, and It said you`re good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
Dr. Stewart: So smoking is your problem?
Gary Phelps: Yeah, I can`t stop smoking and it`s -- it`s finally, like, affecting everything I do, I can`t run, I can`t play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I, I gotta give it up.
Dr. Stewart: How long have you smoked, Gary?
Gary Phelps: Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can`t kick it, you know?
Dr. Stewart: Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart] All right, Gary, why don`t you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax -- what I do is hypnosis.
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: Basically I just want you to sit back and relax -- let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust me.
Gary Phelps: [noticing fart sound] Uh...
Dr. Stewart: That`s it.
Gary Phelps: O-kay....
Dr. Stewart: That`s it.
Gary Phelps: That was...o-kay...
Dr. Stewart: All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. Okay? That`s it. Now I`m gonna count backwards from five to zero --
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: -- and I just want you to relax, and you`re going to fall into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you`re very comfortable, I`ll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax, and just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
Gary Phelps: Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Just concentrate now. That`s it. Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now. We`re very comfortable. Five [small fart], we`re thinking of nothing except being comfortable and nothing`s bothering us. Okay. When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you`re sinking, you`re sinking, [medium fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Dr. Stewart: Please just try to relax; that wasn`t me. Okay. You`re very stressed -- you`re very stressed. Okay, four, we`re relaxing, we`re relaxing, you`re very comfortable, you`re very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...[fart]
Gary Phelps: Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can`t...
Dr. Stewart: That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it`s -- the vinyl -- it`s a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. Okay. And we`re very sleepy, we`re relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us, nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
Gary Phelps: Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? I`m just having a tough time concentrating --
Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we`re relaxing, we`re relaxing [fart and cough together] three, two, two --
Gary Phelps: I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that. I can`t concentrate when you`re doing that.
Dr. Stewart: This is what I do. It`s a counting-down thing. We`re relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go, don`t focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we`re doing here. Three, two, relax, relax, that`s it, just relax [fart], we`re relaxing now --
Gary Phelps: Okay -- you`re gonna -- that one was -- it`s getting a little irritating --
Dr. Stewart: Hang on just a second here. Let me just step out a second here.
Gary Phelps: That`d be good.
Dr. Stewart: All right, and we`re relaxing, as I leave, we`re relaxing, still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
Gary Phelps: Jesus...Oh my God.
Dr. Stewart: We`re relaxing.
Gary Phelps: [trying hard not to laugh]
Dr. Stewart: Okay, I`m back, we`re relaxing, and we`re counting down, we`re to two, and all we`re thinking about is healthy, fresh air. Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. [fart]
Gary Phelps: Sir, I`d appreciate if you could stop `letting it out`. But okay, okay, fine, thank you.
Dr. Stewart: That`s it, you`re all right, everything`s good. All right, you feel very comfortable, you`re sinking into the chair, we`re relaxing, one [long fart], and we`re coming down to zero and --
Gary Phelps: Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
Dr. Stewart: No, no, that time that was you.
Gary Phelps: That wasn`t me!
Dr. Stewart: We`re not here to pick sides, we`re not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we`re dealing with the smoking,
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