Robert Benchley Quotes

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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn`t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

I can`t bring myself to say, `Well, I guess I`ll be toddling along.` It isn`t that I can`t toddle. It`s just that I can`t guess I`ll toddle.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don`t.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

"The only real cure for a hangover is death."

"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it`s compounding a felony."

"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn`t give it up because by that time I was too famous."

"There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest,...and there is no such place as Bucharest, either."

"In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That`s what makes it so tough for us outsiders: we have to fight home competition."

"In America there are two classes of travel - First Class, and with children. Travelling with children corresponds roughly to travelling third class in Bulgaria."

"Every boy should have a dog, for a dog teaches a boy three valuable traits: fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down."

"Tell us your phobias, and we`ll tell you what you are afraid of."

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."