Sasha: (while flying the Antonov) Lift your big ass for Sasha!
Jackson Curtis: (looks at his watch after being awaken by the morning news) I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man.
Professor West: The Mayans saw this coming thousands of years ago.
Adrian Helmsley: I thought we had more time.
Carl Anheuser: What we need to do is focus on this timeline. That's what we need to do.
Adrian Helmsley: When do we let the country know?
Carl Anheuser: What do you mean?
Adrian Helmsley: The people, sir. They need to know.
Carl Anheuser: Well, of course they do. Listen, your job is to figure out when this is all going to fall apart. My job is to figure out how to retain some semblance of government after it falls apart. Until then, we don't have time for anything except for doing those jobs. Okay?
Charlie Frost: Hey. Hey, guess what? They're selling seats.
Jackson Curtis: Put me down for three.
Charlie Frost: No, guys like you and me don't have a chance. You'd have to be Bill Gates or Rupert Murdoch or some Russian billionaire or something.
Jackson Curtis: Hey, keep it down. My kids are sleeping.
Charlie Frost: Get them out of Yellowstone. It's gonna get ugly up here.
Laura Wilson: No toothbrush. Only books.
Adrian Helmsley: You know, when I was a kid, my dad was on the road a lot. He would give me a box full books, call me every night and quiz me. I'd get an ice cream cone for every book I read, so I was a fat kid.
Laura Wilson: I find that very hard to believe.
Adrian Helmsley: No, it's true. My high school career was 2,000 books and zero girlfriends.
Laura Wilson: I didn't even kiss a boy till I was in college. They were all to scared of my dad.
(Yellowstone's caldera erupts. The giant ash cloud and fire is rushing behind them)
Lilly Curtis: Daddy, it's following us.
Jackson Curtis: Don't look at it! Get down on the ground. Get on the ground and hold on. Don't look back. Don't look back. Look at me. Do I look scared?
Lilly Curtis: Uh-huh.
President Thomas Wilson: (seconds before the White House is destroyed) I'm coming home, Dorothy.
Sally - President's Secretary: Sorry, sir. She insisted.
Laura Wilson: The Director of Louvre has just been killed. It's all over the news.
(puts down newspaper and turns TV in room on with the news confirming what she had just explained)
President Thomas Wilson: (after the TV is back off) Adrian, I don't think you met my daughter, have you?
Adrian Helmsley: No, sir.
Laura Wilson: We just talked. He said the organization I work for is a sham. How can he say something like that?
Carl Anheuser: (to Adrian) Come.
(Carl and Adrian leave the room)
President Thomas Wilson: (after the door shuts after Adrian and leave) Did I ever tell you that you are just like your mother when you get upset?
Laura Wilson: Daddy, a man was just killed.
President Thomas Wilson: Please, sit down. Only twelve people know what I am about to tell you.
Laura Wilson: Daddy, what's going on?
President Thomas Wilson: An international endeavour is under way, and 46 nations are currently invested in this thing.
President Thomas Wilson: Today we are one family.
Yuri Karpov: (Repeated line) Good. That is good.
Jackson Curtis: I was listening to the broadcast and I was wondering what is exactly that's gonna start in Hollywood?
Charlie Frost: It's the apocalypse. End of days. The Judgment Day, the end of the world, my friend. Christians called it the rapture, but the Mayans knew about it, the Hopis, the I Ching, the Bible, kind of...
Kate Curtis: Does anybody got any money? We could bribe them.
Gordon Silberman: I do, I do.
Jackson Curtis: You got a billion euros?
Carl Anheuser: Kind of galling when you realize that nutbags with cardboard signs had it right the whole time.
Noah Curtis: Whoa, that's a big plane.
Yuri Karpov: It's Russian.
Captain Michaels: (over intercom) Ladies and gentleman, this is Captain Michaels speaking. In a few minutes I will give orders to unseal the decks. At 2345 last night, our sister arks, Numbers 6 and 7, have joined our course. For the first time on our journey, we'll have clear skies and moderate-to-good air quality. As you know, our passenger count is way over capacity. So please be careful when you step out and of course, enjoy the fresh air.
Ark Communications Officer: The capital's been hit by a 9.4.
Ark Communications Officer: We've lost communication with the White House, sir.
Adrian Helmsley: Where's it centered?
Scotty: North Chesapeake Bay.
Lilly Curtis: I'm not scared. No more Pull-Ups.
Jackson Curtis: Nice.
Jackson Curtis: (as Kate's house is collapsing in an earthquake) Get in the f**king car!
Adrian Helmsley: Satnam didn't get picked up.
Professor West: What?
Carl Anheuser: A lot of people didn't get picked up in this chaos. This is not a conspiracy, Helmsley. You're predictions haven't exactly panned out, have they, doctor?
Adrian Helmsley: Who are you bringing?
Carl Anheuser: Nobody. Who, my ex-wife? Last thing she said to me, she never wanted to see me again. So be it.
Charlie Frost: (Repeated line) Always remember, folks. You heard it first from Charlie.
Carl Anheuser: You're telling me that the North Pole is now some where in Wisconsin?
Professor West: Actually, that's the South Pole now.
Adrian Helmsley: The president has ordered us to clean out the White House.
Harry Helmsley: About time somebody cleaned up that mess.
Charlie Frost: (on radio) Folks, did you hear that? The authorities in L.A. say there's nothing to worry about. I'd love to see their dumb faces when Malibu and Beverly Hills get s*cked into the gurgling maw of the Pacific. Where are they going to plug in their electric cars then? Ha, ha, ha.
(Outside the gates of the ark docks)
Kate Curtis: You don't have to save us, but please, just take my kids!
Tenzin: Why should I do that?
Jackson Curtis: The same reason you let in your family.
Lama Rinpoche: Do not believe in something simply because you have heard it, Nima.
Nima: But great Lama, Tenzin is my brother. He works inside the tunnel, whee the ships are built. But where is in your wisdom, great Lama, if Tenzin is right... what if our world is indeed coming to an end?
(Rinpoche responds by pouring tea into Tenzin's cup, causing it to overflow)
Nima: It is full, great Rinpoche.
(after a moment, Rinpoche stops)
Lama Rinpoche: Like this cup, you are full of opinions and speculations. To see the light of wisdom... you first must empty your cup.
(Tosses Nima the truck's keys)
Lama Rinpoche: Be careful with the clutch... it tends to slip.
Scotty: It's been upgraded to a 10.9 by the guys at Harvard.
Adrian Helmsley: What does Caltech have to say?
Professor West: The whole city of Pasadena was wiped out just a few minutes ago.
Laura Wilson: (On phone) Dad, where are you?
President Thomas Wilson: You wouldn't have gotten on that plane if I told you.
Laura Wilson: Daddy, what's happening? I thought you were coming on the plane.
President Thomas Wilson: Do you know what strength it gives me to know that my daughter is going to survive?
Jackson Curtis: Going to this place really special place that I know. Actually, it's a place where your Mom and I used to hang out a lot.
Noah Curtis: I don't wanna know where you and Mom had sex. I'm not ready for that, Jackson.
Jackson Curtis: Stop calling me that. It's creeping me out. What's wrong with "Dad"?
President Thomas Wilson: Did you ever meet my wife, Dorothy?
Adrian Helmsley: No, sir. I didn't have that honor.
President Thomas Wilson: She was in and out of it towards the end. The night before she passed on, she took my hand and she told me: "I think you should have a lottery. Everyone should have a chance to go." Maybe that's what we should have done. I'll be the last president of the United States of America. Do you know how that feels, son?
Adrian Helmsley: No one could have saved the country, sir. And I think... I think people have a right to know.
President Thomas Wilson: Don't worry. I'll take care of that.
Kate Curtis: Do you think people change?
Jackson Curtis: By "people," do you mean me?
Kate Curtis: Yes. Do you think you've changed since we separated?
Jackson Curtis: I certainly eat a lot more cereal now.
(as Satnam's family are about to leave India)
Dr. Satnam Tsurutani: Don't worry, Ajit. We are going on a big ship.
Kate Curtis: (as they escape Los Angeles in the plane) I don't understand. How did you know this was to happen?
Jackson Curtis: It's not just California. It's the whole goddamned world that gone to sh*t. I met this guy at Yellowstone, this crazy guy, but he's been right about that's happened so far. And he says that the government is building these ships, spaceships, I don't know what, but something.
Gordon Silberman: What, ships?
Jackson Curtis: Yeah, places where we can be safe. He knows where they are. He's got a map.
Kate Curtis: Jackson...
Kate Curtis: Kate, you gotta just trust me on this, okay?
Gordon Silberman: Guys... look.
(L.A. is sinking into the Pacific as they fly away)
Laura Wilson: How were all these people chosen?
Carl Anheuser: The same way your art was: By experts from all over the world. We had geneticists determine the perfect gene pool we need to repopulate.
Adrian Helmsley: These people were chosen by geneticists?
Laura Wilson: Looks to me like their checkbooks got them onboard.
Carl Anheuser: That's right, Dr. Wilson. Without billions of dollars from the private sector, this entire operation would've been impossible.
Adrian Helmsley: We sold tickets. And what about all these workers? They all get passes?
Carl Anheuser: What, life isn't fair? Is that it? You want to donate your passes to a couple Chinese workers, you be my guest.
Dr. Satnam Tsurutani: It looks like the neutrinos coming from the sun have mutated into a new kind of nuclear particle. They're heating up the earth's core and suddenly act like microwaves.
Kate Curtis: (on the phone with Jackson) Hello?
Jackson Curtis: (in the limo en route to Kate's house) Kate, stop what you're doing.
Kate Curtis: Jackson?
Jackson Curtis: Listen to me. I've rented a plane. Pack up the kids, I'm gonna be there in five minutes.
Kate Curtis: What are you talking about? We're gonna do our regular Saturday. Noah has music at 2 and Lil has karate.
Gordon Silberman: Not gonna expect him to remember.
Jackson Curtis: Kate, California is going down! Pack up the kids now!
Kate Curtis: They just got back. God, you sound like a cray person. The Governor just said we're fine.
Jackson Curtis: The guy's an actor! He's reading a script! When they tell you not to panic...
(makes a hard left)
Jackson Curtis: that's when you run!
Kate Curtis: Look, will you call me back when you calm down?
(hangs up phone)
Lilly Curtis: Mommy, why is Daddy so crazy?
(Gordon looks at Kate)
Kate Curtis: Finish your pancakes, Al Capone.
(Both are on the phone)
Tony Delgatto: I- I'm sorry. Who is this?
Yoko Delgatto: This is Yoko Delgatto. Do you wanna speak to my daddy?
Tony Delgatto: (sighs) Yes, please.
Yoko Delgatto: Who should I say is calling?
Tony Delgatto: Tell him... it's his father.
Yoko Delgatto: You're my grampa?
Tony Delgatto: Yes, sweetheart. I am.
(Looks at a photo of Yoko)
(Ark Computer: Impact warning. Thirty degrees west. Forty-five degrees east. Target elevation, 29,035 feet)
Carl Anheuser: 29,000 feet? What the hell is at 29,000 feet?
Captain Michaels: We're headed straight for the north face of Mount Everest, Mr. Anheuser. And if we can't start our engines, we will not survive the impact.
President Thomas Wilson: (Addressing the nation) My fellow Americans. This will be the last time I address you. As you know, catastrophe has struck our nation... has struck the world. I wish I could tell you we can prevent the coming destruction. We cannot. Today, none of us are strangers. Today, we are one family, stepping into the darkness together. We are a nation of many religion, but I believe these words reflect the spirit of all our faiths. The Lord is my Shepard...
Charlie Frost: You'd have to keep a thing like this underwraps. I mean, just think about it, okay? First, the stock market would go. Then the economy, boom! The dollar, boom! And then pandemonium in the streets. War, genocide, ba-ba-ba-ba, boom, boom, boom!
Jackson Curtis: Bullsh*t. Nobody could keep that big a secret, Charlie. Somebody would blow the whistle.
Charlie Frost: And every once in a while, some poor little s*cker tries. Well, like these guys, boom, boom!
(pulls down a screen of posted obituaries)
Charlie Frost: Every one of these guys, dead, dead, dead.
Jackson Curtis: (notices one of them) Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's Professor Meyers.
Charlie Frost: He ran the Atlantis shuttle program. Why, did you know him?
Jackson Curtis: Yeah, he helped me with research on my book.
Charlie Frost: Well, that must have been before this "accident."
Jackson Curtis: Meyers is dead?
Charlie Frost: Oh, two months ago. He was one of my most avid listeners and he had it all figured out. Everything the government was doing, where and why... He even sent me a map.
Jackson Curtis: A map for what Charlie? What's the map for?
Charlie Frost: They're building spaceships, man.
Jackson Curtis: sh*t, man, I have to go because I gotta get back to Earth.
Adrian Helmsley: Sir, you don't have the authority.
Carl Anheuser: Who's got the authority? You? You've got the authority? You couldn't keep your goddamn mouth shut. You betrayed top-secret information last year. Could've had us all killed?
Adrian Helmsley: What the hell are you talking about?
Carl Anheuser: You told your father everything. Put this entire plan in jeopardy. Good thing for you the old man could keep his mouth shut better than you. Oh, come on. Don't look so shocked. We had to monitor everybody who knew. How do you think we kept it a secret for so long?
Adrian Helmsley: So we just killed people who tried to talk?
Carl Anheuser: Anybody who tried to talk was not just an enemy of the state, they're an enemy of humanity.
Adrian Helmsley: The Director of the Louvre was an enemy of humanity?
Carl Anheuser: After he called a press conference, he was! Jesus. What did you think? We're all just gonna get onboard, hold hands and sing "Kumbaya"? Sit down and buckle up.
Jackson Curtis: No matter what happens, we'll all stay together.
Adrian Helmsley: The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment we lose our humanity.
Gordon Silberman: What he said about you and Sasha, is it true?
Tamara: Sasha was worth 100 times a man like Yuri. I should have listend to you, Dr. Silberman. I actually like the way I looked before that monster talk me into it.
Gordon Silberman: Did you know he asked for a discount? And he paid in installments.
Tamara: Cheap bastard.
Jackson Curtis: We gotta get to the Santa Monica Airport!
Gordon Silberman: Well, take the freeway! It'll be half the time!
Jackson Curtis: (as the freeway collapses from the earthquake) Yeah, right!
Lilly Curtis: (inside Charlie's camper) That guy's crazy. Right, daddy?
Jackson Curtis: No. I don't think so.
Gordon Silberman: Honey, why don't we make a baby?
Kate Curtis: We're not making a baby in the supermarket!
Carl Anheuser: (about Laura Wilson) Cute girl, huh?
Adrian Helmsley: Sir?
Carl Anheuser: The First Daughter. I saw you looking at her.
Adrian Helmsley: I wasn't looking at her.
Carl Anheuser: Better move fast, kid. The end is near.
Adrian Helmsley: (standing in the Oval Office) I was wrong.
President Thomas Wilson: Do you know how many times I've heard those words in this office? Zero.