Sam: I thought that I could handle this, but I really can't.
(the LAPD is repossessing Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella's cars)
Fiona: (runs outside with the girls) Hey! Hey! I can pay for those parking tickets.
Sam: Actually, I'm selling your cars, Fiona, for college tuition money.
Fiona: Now what gives you the idea you can sell our cars?
Rhonda: She owns them.
Sam: Exactly. I own them.
Madison: I already ate.
David: Madison, laxatives don't qualify as a food group. Surprised you didn't know that.
Austin: You need a wax.
Sam: Excuse me?
Austin: (laughs) I meant the car.
Fiona: (to Sam) People go to school to get smarter, so that they can get a job. You already have a job, so it's like skipping a step.
Sam's Dad: Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
Carter: Have no fear! Zorro is here! And he's got the keys to his dad's Mercedes!
Rhonda: (to Carter) Call me girlfriend one more time.
Carter: Okay, sorry.
Mrs. Wells: You stop that right now. You're a bad boy, and that is a terrible shirt!
Fiona: I am very, very, very, very upset about this.
Brianna: You don't look upset.
Fiona: Oh, it's the Botox. I can't show emotion for another hour and a half.
Carter: You gotta love high school.
Rhonda: Wait up, Sam.
Fiona: You take one more step and you're fired!
Rhonda: Oh, no. That won't be necessary because I quit too. And you know what? The only reason why I stayed around and put up with you for all those years is because of that girl. And now that she's free of you, there is nothing stopping me from kicking your butt.
Fiona: (freaks out) Oh, come on, no. Not my face. It's much newer than the girls. Go for the girls!
Sam: (talks Rhonda out of it) Rhonda? Rhonda! She's not even worth it.
Rhonda: (jumps her face at Fiona) Mmph!
Fiona: (screams) Aaaah!
Rhonda: You're right.
Eleanor: You know what? I quit too.
Bobby: Me too! Hey, Rhonda and Eleanor, hold up. I need a ride. See ya!
(the staff all finally walk out permanently with the customers following suit)
Man with plate of food: (to a disgraced Fiona) Send me a bill.
District Attorney: I'm the County District Attorney. Have you ever seen this before, Mrs. Montgomery?
(he shows Fiona Hal's will)
Fiona: I've NEVER seen that before!
District Attorney: Isn't this your signature on the witness line?
Fiona: I've NEVER seen my husband's hidden will before.
District Attorney: I'm afraid you're gonna have to come downtown with me, ma'am.
Sam: I'm late.
Austin: For what?
Shelby: What can I get here that has no sugar, no carbs, and is fat free?
Shelby: (after seeing Sam walk down the stairs at the hallowen ball) love the dress,hate her
Fiona: No honey, leave those on! The lawn's looking a little brown.
Sam: You know we're supposed to be conserving water! We're in the middle of a drought!
Fiona: Droughts are for poor people, you think J-Lo has a brown lawn? People who use extra water have extra class.
Rhonda: Oh that would not be necessary, because I quit to.
Fiona: Where are your skates? They're part of the uniform.
Rhonda: Fiona, if I wanted to look like a clown I'd join the circus.
Fiona: If you were part of my circus I'd have you wiping the elephant butts with a "wet one."
Sam: Austin? What are you doing?
Austin: Something I should have done a long time ago.
(he kisses her, it starts to rain, they both look up)
Austin: Sorry I waited for the rain.
Sam: It's okay.
Austin: (after Brianna and Gabriella both tell him that they're his mystery girl) Ladies, ladies, I can settle this, all right? The girl that I met at the dance, she dropped something on her way out. What was it?
Gabriella: Oh that's easy! A wallet!
Gabriella: I mean a... wallet-purse.
Austin: (succinctly) No.
Brianna: Oh, a fish!
Sam: Maybe this whole relationship is just better off in cyberspace.
Austin: I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone... Then I think of you.
Fiona: (to Sam) There's something I've always wanted to tell you and I think you're ready to hear it. You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. Oh, I'm so glad we had that talk.
Sam: So... Who'd you guys pay to make your cars so dirty?
Brianna: Excuse me? Like, what are you, the Dirt Police?
Gabriella: (laughs) Yeah! The Dirt Police! Like, excuse me miss, do you know how fast your dirt was going?
Brianna: You should've stopped at the Dirt Police.
(Sam, hurt and humiliated in front of the entire school after the evil skit conducted by Shelby, Brianna, and Gabriella, storms into her room in tears)
Fiona: (knocking on her door) Sam?
Sam: Go away!
Fiona: (enters the room) But Sam, you've got a letter from Princeton.
(Fiona gives Sam the "fake" letter which, as Sam reads, states that she has been rejected by Princeton University)
Fiona: What does it say?
Sam: I didn't get in.
Fiona: (gasps) Oh, no! Oh, and you studied so hard.
Sam: I can't believe that I actually had a chance.
Fiona: Oh, Sam, I'm heartbroken. Life can be so unfair. Well, just look at the bright side: You have a job at the diner for the rest of your life. You want a cookie?
Fiona: (bites into a cookie; mumbles) Mmm, they're so moist.
Sam: Terry? Are you Nomad?
Terry: Nomad? Indeed. I have traveled through time and space to find you. Now join me in the mating dance of Zion!
Fiona: All right. Well, I'm going off to get some more lipo. Come on, girls. Sam, we need you to clean the pool tonight.
Sam: (stand up to Fiona) No!
(Rhonda, the staff, and the customers all become impressed with Sam finally standing up for herself)
Fiona: (shocked) Excuse me?
Sam: You heard me. I quit. I quit this job, I quit your family, and I'm moving out!
(Fiona, Brianna, and Gabriella laughs at Sam)
Fiona: Oh, and, um, where are you gonna live?
Rhonda: With me.
Fiona: You can't just walk out on me.
Sam: You know what, Fiona? You can mess with your hair and your nose and your face, and can even mess with my Dad's diner, but you're through messing with me!
Austin: Sam! Okay, I know you think that I'm just some...
Sam: Coward? Phony?
Austin: Okay, just listen.
Sam: No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you that I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was, but I'm not anymore. And the thing is, I really don't care what people think about me... because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for.
David: Heads up! Yo, five minutes.
Austin: I'm coming!
Sam: I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.
Fiona: (to Rhonda) You take one more step and you're fired!
Sam: Carter, what are you wearing?
Carter: What? This is my Snoop-dizzle look!
(Austin sees Sam leaving; as he rushes towards her, he is confronted by his dad)
Austin's Dad: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, what are you doing?
Austin: I'm outta here.
Austin's Dad: What! You're throwing away your dream!
Austin: No, Dad. I'm throwing away yours.
Austin: (to Ryan) It's your game now, go get them.
Sam: (narrating) It was the kind of place where diet was a four letter word, and grease came at no additional charge.
Fiona: Sam? Some little rat got into my salmon, and ate it all! I need more salmon! And pick up my dry cleaning. And wash the Jag!
Sam: (narrates) Well, that hidden will stated that the house, the diner, and everything belonged to me.
(the two stepsisters are looking for Sam's "real" acceptance letter to Princeton)
Sam: It turned out my stepsisters knew where Fiona had filed my real acceptance letter at Princeton.
Gabriella: I've got it!
Sam: My Dad's diner has been restored to its former glory. And my stepmom made a deal with the DA. She's working off her debt to society, at Hal's, under the watchful eye of my new partner. And my stepsisters? They finally put their teamwork to good use.
Austin: What up, guys?
David: What up.
Ryan: Sorry about your costume you lost, Austin.
Austin: It's all good, my friends.
David: No, it's not all good, bro. Now we don't get to be the Three Musketeers. You get to be Prince Charming, and we're the two wimps in wigs.
Sam: Don't you know who I am?
Austin: Of course I do. You're Princeton Girl. You're the girl I've been waiting to meet. I know exactly who you are! What's your name?
Sam: Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom, lived a beautiful little girl and her widowed father.
Sam: And lived happily ever after. At least for now. Hey, I'm only a freshman!
Sam: Sometimes, fantasies are better than reality.
Sam: (Carter and Sam are driving back towards the diner and Carter drives slow with his Dad's Mercedes) Carter, you could have totally made that light.
Carter: Uh, FYI Sam, yellow means slow down, not speed up.
Sam: I need the Fast and the Furious, not Driving Miss Daisy.
(''The stepsisters are pretending to cry and make Shelby and her friends think that Cinderella hurt them'')
Gabriella: And then, she told us that...
Gabriella: ... she was going to try and steal Austin away from you if that was the last thing she did.
Brianna: Our stepsister has always been jealous of you!
(blows her nose loudly)
Shelby: (impatiently) Go on.
Gabriella: Well, that's when she came up with this whole "Cinderella plot". She got a hold of Austin's e-mail address, and that's when she started the whole affair
Brianna: We wanted to tell you sooner, but she threatened to kill us. She's such a monster!
Terry: (dressed as Neo) Your sweet libations, my lady.
Austin: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Sam: I'll let you know.
Carter: How do you feel?
Sam: I'll let you know when I can catch my breath.
David: (Austin is sticking ads everywhere to find his Cinderella) Dude, why are you going through all this trouble for one chick?
Austin: Look, she's not just some chick, all right? She was real.
Ryan: Real. Like, she still had her old nose?
Austin: No, real. The kind of girl who has more on her mind than what she wears, or how much weight she wants to lose. She listens to me, you know?
David: Listens yo you? Hey, brother, I listen to you, okay? I feel your pa...
(gets distracted by a girl passing by, then talks to the girl)
David: ...Hello, kitty!
Austin: Yeah, you're a great listener.
Ryan: Look, man, you found her cellphone. You just gotta get some clue from that.
Austin: The phone's locked. All I keep getting's these text messages like, "I need you", and "Come see me now."
David: Oh dude, it's so hot.
Austin: See, that's what I thought. Until I got one that said, "Come fix fryer".
David: Oh, dude, that's hot AND kinky, baby! You know what I'm saying? Can I get one? Let me get a pound, baby.
Austin: (looks at David disapprovingly)
(Sam is scrubbing the floor with her skates on. She tries to get up, but Sam slips and falls; Rhonda appears)
Rhonda: Sam, what are you doing?
Sam: I'm trying to get these floors clean.
Rhonda: Come on, sweetie, get up. What I meant is "What are you doing with your life?"
Sam: I'm Diner Girl. I'm doing what diner girls do, Rhonda.
Rhonda: Baby, what's gotten into you? You don't even realize how blessed you are. Look, you've got a whole family behind you. We have faith in you, and you gotta have faith in yourself.
Shelby: (to Austin about Sam) People like her don't belong in our world, Austin.
Austin: You're not a guy, right? 'Cause if you are I'll kick your butt.
Sam: (chuckles) I am not a guy.
Austin: You need a wax.
Sam: Excuse me?
Austin: (laughs) I meant the car. (imdb.com)