Melissa: Hi, I`m Melissa Robinson.
Ace Ventura: Pleasure to meet you.
Melissa: Did you have any trouble getting in?
Ace Ventura: No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That`s none of your damn business and I`ll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
Ace Ventura: If I`m not back in five minutes... just wait longer.
Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino`s fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
Man: (aggressively) What do you want?
Ace Ventura: HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you.
Man: Sounds broken.
Ace Ventura: Most likely, sir. I`ll bet it was something nice, though.
Ace Ventura: Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom.
Ace Ventura: I think it`s the pâté.
Ronald Camp: Sure, right over there.
Ace Ventura: Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?
Ronald Camp: I`ll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace.
Ace Ventura: See that you do. If I`d been drinking out of the toilet, I might`ve been killed.
(Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura)
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?
Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I`d establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug`s DICK, and became insanely jealous.
Ace Ventura: Then I`d lose 30 pounds... porkin` his wife!
Aguado: Why you...!
(Aguado charges Ace, but Ace makes him do a face-plant that ends with his face just an inch or so from the dead bug)
Ace Ventura: Now, kiss and make up.
(Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody smashing it with a bat in his mirror)
Ace Ventura: Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.
(Ace Ventura just got his car started)
Ace Ventura: It`s ALIVE. IT`S ALIVE.
Lois Einhorn: Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.
Ace Ventura: I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake`s tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We`re talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy`s room. Cozy if you`re Hannibal Lecter!
Melissa: You know, you`re just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn`t work out and you don`t know how to express your anger.
Ace Ventura: Oh yeah? And you`re ugly.
Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I`m not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I`ll give you a call sometime. Your number`s still 911? All righty then.
Melissa: You really love animals, don`t you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.
Ace Ventura: I`m looking for Ray Finkle.
(a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head)
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.
Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
(Ace sucks in a huge breath of air)
Ace Ventura: Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.
Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys?
Ace Ventura: No sir, I`m just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland.
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.
(Ventura knocks on the door)
Woodstock: What`s the password?
Ace Ventura: New England clam chowder.
Woodstock: Is that the red or the white?
Ace Ventura: Ah, I can never remember that. White.
Ace Ventura: Yes.
Mr. Shickadance: Ventuuurrraaa.
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? Oh, I`m sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
Mr. Shickadance: Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura...
(coughs in Ace`s face)
Mr. Shickadance: ... you owe me rent.
Ace Ventura: Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you`re my first priority. I`m on a very big case right now. Check this out.
(shows him a flyer)
Ace Ventura: That`s a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He`s offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you`re paid.
Mr. Shickadance: I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard `em again this mornin` scratchin` around.
Ace Ventura: I never bring my work home with me, sir.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah? What`s all this pet food for?
Ace Ventura: Fiber.
Melissa: Ace, Where are you?
Ace Ventura: I`m in Psychoville and Finkle`s the Mayor.
(Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace`s head)
Ace Ventura: (begging) Please don`t kill me. I`ll never tell anyone. Kill him, he`s the one you want.
Dan Marino: No, no kill him.
Ace Ventura: No kill him. He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy.
(Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air)
Dan Marino: Cry-baby.
Ace Ventura: Jock.
Dan Marino: Whimp.
Ace Ventura: Muscle-head.
Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP.
Ace Ventura: (as Captain Kirk) Captain`s Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We`ve... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I`m going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I`m going to find it. I`ve... GOT TO, MISTER.
Ace Ventura: (with a German accent) How can I be getting zis vork done wit all de shouting? Control de shouting?
Reporter: Who`s That?
Ace Ventura: Heinz Getwellvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me.
Reporter: What happened to the *regular* trainer?
Ace Ventura: Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am wit Siegfried.
(he holds up only four fingers)
Ace Ventura: Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I`m gone.
Reporter: (skeptically) Where is Snowflake?
Ace Ventura: Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home?
Ace Ventura: Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin`s head. I am saying to Snowflake, "Akay!... Akay Akay Akay?" und he is saying "AKay Akay!" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!
Roger Podacter: Alright, it`s almost time for Coach Shula`s press confrence, uh, lets let Heinz do his work?
Ace Ventura: (shooing reporters) Go to de conference, go to it.
Ace Ventura: This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could`ve heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh?
(mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie)
Ace Ventura: I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear.
(Ace Ventura, bending over and talking from his behind)
Ace Ventura: Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Binaca?
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.
Ace Ventura: (bending over and talking from his behind) Excuse me. I`d like to "ass" you a few questions.
Emilio: Ace, this is not the time. If Einhorn comes down here and sees me talking to you or your ass, I`m history.
Ace Ventura: (to Lt. Einhorn) Whew... now I feel better. `Course, that might not do any good you see nobody`s missing a porpoise. It`s a dolphin that`s been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I`m sure you already knew that. That`s what turns me on about `cha, your attention to detail.
(Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching)
Ace Ventura: Holy testicle Tuesday.
Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
Ace Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Ace Ventura: No problem, it gets flooded, we`ll just wait a few seconds.
(suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the back windshield with a baseball bat)
Ace Ventura: Or we could try it now.
Ace Ventura: WOW., Ray Finkle`s house, I can`t wait to meet him
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain`t coming home
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute, see the engine`s running but there`s nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they`re still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
Ace Ventura: (has just finished `singing` for Cannibal Corpse) I gotta go guys! I gotta date with your mothers!
Melissa: I swear if you do anything to embarass me in front of Camp...
Ace Ventura: What? Like this?
(makes wierd noises,Doorman answers the door)
Ace Ventura: Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!
Mr. Shickadance: (comes from behind Ace) Ventura.
Ace Ventura: Yes Satan.
(turns around and sees Mr. Shickadance)
Ace Ventura: Ohh, I thought you were someone else.
Ace Ventura: (has been trying to figure out a connection between Lt. Lois Einhorn and football player Ray Finkle, when he sees his dog`s fur overlapping Finkle`s hair in a photo) What the... That`s it! Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!
(Ace remembers how Einhorn kissed him and the pieces fall into place)
Ace Ventura: Oh, my GOD! Einhorn is a man!
(Ace heads to the bathroom to throw up)
Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?
Melissa: No, this is my date. He`s a lawyer.
Ronald Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer?"
Melissa: No, this is Ace... um, Tom Ace.
Ace Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
Ronald Camp: (nervously) Very, very well, thank you.
(Ace is standing in front of Lois who`s in her underwear)
Ace Ventura: My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen!
(turns Lois around to reveal a bulge in her nether regions)
Ace Ventura: *That`s* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!
(all the men in the vicinity start throwing up because Einhorn has kissed them)
Ace Ventura: (holds the phone away from his mouth and waits a second) Thought I left, didn`t ya?
Ace Ventura: Ok, I`m really gonna go this time.
Melissa: (in her office, she is showing Ace a video of the halftime routine performed by their missing mascot, Snowflake. She sees Ace chewing on either birdseeds or sunflower seeds, and spreading the leftovers in a neat pile on her desk) Would you like an ashtray?
Ace Ventura: Hmm-mmm. I don`t smoke. It`s a disgusting habit.
(coming out of the men`s room, all wet with his clothes torn)
Ace Ventura: Do *not* go in there! Pheeww!
(Melissa and Ace are reading news clippings about Ray Finkle)
Melissa: "Replacement Kicker Having a Great Year." "Ready For Super Bowl, All-Star Kicker Boasts."
Ace Ventura: "Field Goal Sails Wide. Dolphins Lose Super Bowl."
Melissa: The "Kick Heard Round The World." That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
(Ace lets out an impressed whistle. Melissa flips to the next clipping, with a headline that reads "Finkle Contract Not Renewed.")
Melissa: Poor guy.
Ace Ventura: Poor guy with a motive, baby.
Lois Einhorn: (after she finishes wrestling with Ace, to the surrounding police officers) Shoot him! Shoot him!
Emilio: (offscreen) Hold your fire!
(walks in with Melissa, gun to his head)
Emilio: Don`t shoot!
Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it!
Emilio: She`s not joking!
Lois Einhorn: (ignoring them) He kidnapped Snowflake! He killed Roger Podator and was going to kill Dan Marino and meeeeee!
Ace Ventura: Ho ho ho Hooooooooooooo! Fiction can be fun, but I find the reference section a little more enlightening. For instance, if you were to look up the NFL`s "All Time Bonehead Plays," you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed the 26 yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.
(takes deep breath)
Ace Ventura: What you wouldn`t read about was how Ray Finkle lost his mind was committed to a mental hospital only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino for whom he blamed the entire thing!
(takes another deep, relief breath)
Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
Ace Ventura: SHE`S NOT LOIS EINHORN!, She`s Ray Finkle, she`s a man.
Lois Einhorn: He`s lying. SHOOT HIIIIMMM!
Ace Ventura: Heads up! Good defense! Good defense!
Riddle: (angry) How in the hell do you loose a five hundred pound fish?
Melissa: (wants to say something)
Melissa: I`m sorry sir, I was just going to say, that it`s not a fish, it`s a mammal.
Riddle: Thank you, miss Jacques Cousteau.
Lois Einhorn: And somebody get me some coffee!
Ace Ventura: Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss some coffee.
Riddle: I don`t give a good goddamn about that fish. Fillet it and fast food it if`ya want`to. All I give a damn about`s, winning the Super Bowl. My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place. Shit, Roger, you been in this business a long time. You know how superstitious these guys are.
(Roger hides his rabbit foot key chain)
(mimicking Sean Connery)
Ace Ventura: Lovely party. Pity I wasn`t invited.
Lois Einhorn: DIE ANIMAL BOY!
Ace Ventura: Quick Decision
Ace Ventura: Obsess much?
Melissa: You know what? I`m not even going to talk to you. Would you please leave.
Ace Ventura: Why? So you can beat him?
(talking about Melissa`s dog)
Ace Ventura: Fatty.
Melissa: You`re unbelievable. Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Ace Ventura: Well, why don`t you cry about it. Saddlebags.