Brick Tamland: (after a rival news team insults Ron and the team. Brick is standing next to the rival team) Heinie...
Brick Tamland: He said heinie!
Champ Kind: Brick, get back over here!
Bill Lawson: (voiceover) Brick Tamland is married with 11 children and is one of the top political advisors to the Bush White House.
Bill Lawson: Bob Dylan once wrote, The times, they are a-changin. Ron Burgundy had never heard that song.
Ron Burgundy: (to waiter) I'll have three fingers of Glenlivet, with a little bit of pepper... and some cheese.
Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh!
(laugh's playfully and pulls on Ron's sleeve)
Champ Kind: I miss your scent.
(Composes himself, becomes serious)
Champ Kind: I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you sit this next one out, stop talking for a while.
Ron Burgundy: (Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells) 1001... 1002... 1003...
Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.
Brick Tamland: (riding a bear) Hey, Ron. I'm riding a furry tractor.
Brick Tamland: (when Veronica is replacing Ron after he fails to turn up) You're not Ron...
(first title card)
Title card: The following is based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
Ron Burgundy: (driving in car, speaking to Baxter) Oh, Baxter, you are my little gentleman. I'll take you to foggy London town 'cause you are my little gentleman. Wow, this burrito is delicious, but it is filling.
(throws burrito out the window)
Ron Burgundy: I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.
Ron Burgundy: Son of a bee-sting.
Brick Tamland: Where'd you get your clothes... from the... toilet store?
Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
Brick Tamland: I love... carpet.
Brick Tamland: I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland: I love lamp. I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy: (doing voice exercises) The arsonist had oddly shaped feet.
Ron Burgundy: (sporting an erection after talking to Veronica, addressing the office) Don't act like you're not impressed.
(subtitled conversation between Ron's dog Baxter and an attacking bear)
Baxter: Leave these people alone. They mean you no harm.
Bear: We Bears are a proud race. They must pay for their intrusion.
Baxter: On my journey I met one of your kind. His name was Katow-jo. We became friends.
Bear: Katow-jo is my cousin. Go in peace.
Baxter: I will tell tales of your compassion.
Bear: Fare thee well, Baxter. You shall always be friend of the bears.
Ron Burgundy: (while both characters are riding on horses through a cartoon Pleasure Town) I freakin' love you.
Veronica Corningstone: I freakin' love you back.
Garth Holliday: You were my hero Ron! Why'd you have to say that? You come out with stink like that.
(Starts to cry)
Garth Holliday: Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!
Ron Burgundy: Garth, if I would give you some money out of my wallet, would that ease the pain?
(Ron bribes the announcer)
Announcer: You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.
Veronica Corningstone: Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy: And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.
Spanish Anchor: Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood.
Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
Ron Burgundy: I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly...
Angry Biker: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass.
Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for ya, right here.
Announcer: (theme music begins) Channel 4 News, with five-time Emmy-award winning anchor Ron Burgundy. Champ Kind, Sports. Brick Tamland, Weather. And your reporter in the field, Brian Fantana. It's the Channel 4 News at 6:00.
Ron Burgundy: Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.
Tino: You eat that cat *poop*!
Ron Burgundy: (to dog) You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.
Ron Burgundy: (Ron's dog barks at him) You know I don't speak Spanish.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you have a *massive* erection.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, uh, it's the pleats... the pleats in the pants. It's an optical illusion. I was just about to take them back... to the pants store. Oh this is embarrassing.
Ron Burgundy: (singing drunk) ... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...
Bartender: Hey nutjob, quit the singing! You creeping out all the regulars.
Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!
Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself in a vicious cock fight.
Ron Burgundy: Let's dance, dickweed.
Wes Mantooth: You wanna dance, Burgundy?
(whips out a knife)
Wes Mantooth: I wanna polka.
Ron Burgundy: Do you guys really want to know what love is?
Brick Tamland: More than anything in the world, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.
Ron Burgundy: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone: Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?
Ron Burgundy: No. No.
Veronica Corningstone: No, that's - that's what it means. Really.
Ron Burgundy: Agree to disagree.
Wes Mantooth: I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you.
Ron Burgundy: (to Veronica) It's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
Ron Burgundy: I'm in a glass case of emotion.
Ron Burgundy: It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.
Ron Burgundy: You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?
Ron Burgundy: Let's go over the groundrules. Rule number 1: No touching of the hair or face... AND THAT'S IT!
Ron Burgundy: (answers the phone in a very distressed manor) "Hello? Who's there, I'm talkin? Hello? Who is this? Baxter... is that you? Baxter! Bark twice if your in Milwaukee... Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?
Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people.
News Station Employee: (Disgusted) What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: (Horrified) Smells like Bigfoot's dick!
Brian Fantana: (Tries to act casual and walk away) Woah, what's that smell?
Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it.
Public TV News Anchor: Well, it looks like we got ourselves a bi-lingual bloodfest.
Ron Burgundy: (doing voice exercises) Unique New York.
Brian Fantana: So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy: Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
Ron Burgundy: (to an offscreen cameraman) I'm on right now?... I don't believe you.
(goes on smoking)
Brick Tamland: I pooped a hammer.