Jake: Want to play catch with the football I got you?
Dylan Shenk: My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Jake: Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.
Sarah Baker: (hits the bathroom door with her lacrosse stick before Tom pulls her away) You can only put on so much lip gloss, princess!
Lorraine: (sighs) You blew my concentration.
Lorraine: Now i get to start all over again. Ha.
Mark: Have you seen my frog dad?
Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.
Mark: It's Mark.
Tom: I knew that.
Nora: I've searched everywhere. Nothing.
Tom: Where's Hank?
Nora: He's not going to make the cut.
Tom: I hope the family isn't to blame.
Nora: (smiles) They're totally to blame.
Lorraine: (walks into kitchen) I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.
Tom: Good now help your sister butter the toast.
Tom: She says she will help out here only if she and Hank can stay in the same room.
Kate: No. Isn't that sweet kids, Nora wants to have her own room. No.
Jessica Baker: Dad, can I kill Jake now?
Tom: No, finish washing the car first!
Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.
Kate: (referring to Hank) He's not a doorknob.
Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom.
Kate: Yeah that's weird.
Lorraine: For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs.
Kate: All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.
Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.
Sarah Baker: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, OK?
Mark: Stop calling me that!
Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.
Tom: (huddled in the closet) Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.
(an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet)
Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.
Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.
Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!
(Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank)
Tom: You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
Sarah Baker: Release the hound!
Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?
Kate: Oh no. We have 12.
Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.
Nora: Did you not hear me? My brother is missing!
Hank: Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
Tom: (picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce) Ah... Pasta de la croch.
Tom: (while they're hanging from the chandelier) So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?
(With his football players)
Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.
(phone rings and Mike gets it)
Mike: Hello?... Whos this?...
(hands the phone to his mom)
Mike: Somebody from somethin' somethin'.
Sarah Baker: Great. In Midland we were a Family. Now were a support system?
Lorraine Baker: A Family is a Support System, Butch
Tom: Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.
Nigel Baker: Yeah, the hot dog.
(Tom gives him a look)
Nigel Baker: Mom said it first.
Shake: We're having adult time here, boys.
Kyle Baker: No idea what that means.
Tom: Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.
Kyle Baker: Sounds wicked boring.
Shake: It is. So why don't you run along?
Kyle Baker: Mom's right. He is a weiner.
Hank: (with passion) Every once in a while, I carve a pumpkin with a knife made of lollipop sticks...
Nora: (talking on the phone) It totally sucks!
Hank: (motions to his face) This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.
Kim Baker: Hey Nigel! Wanna play darts?
Kate: (voiceover) I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
Shake: (to another person while Kate is in the room) Well, I guess the wife just answered our question.
Kate: The Wife's name is "Kate", Shake.
Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.
Tom: Clean up on aisle 12.
Mike: (shouts) Heads up!
(Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face)
Tom: Little less wrist, Mike.
Tom: (throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it)
Mike: Got it.
Mike: (shouts) Game on!
Nora: Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family.
Hank: They set me on fire.
Nora: Just your pants.
Tom: They're like kittens.
Hank: Twelve kids... that's nuts.
Mike: We're gonna move!
(Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute)
Jake: I heard you were dissing my family.
Cooper: I don't even know your family loser.
Mike: You do now!
(Mike knocks Cooper's latte out of his hand)
Cooper: My latte!
Lorraine: Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.
Tom: (phoning a "nanny" service - middle of calls) How many kids do I have? Twelve, but one doesn't live with me and one you never see cuz he's so mad.
Tom: I have 2 kids, plus 10.
Tom: Hello, I'll just hang up on myself.
(hangs the phone up)
Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"?
Mike: First dad forces us to move
Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe
Jessica Baker: And now, we have to take orders from Hank, the model/actor!
Mark: And he hates kids too.
Kate: (seeing Nora making out with Hank on the couch in front of the family) Nora, sweetie, want to help me in the kitchen?
(after Nora doesn't respond, she claps)
Kate: NORA, STOP!
(Nora breaks away from Hank)
Kate: Want to help me in the kitchen, look at a picture of grandma, say the rosary? Come one, let's move.
Jessica Baker: Dad! Nigel hit Kim with a dart and I assume he will be punished!
Jake: Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be,
(looks real serious)
Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
Sarah Baker: Yes!
Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.
Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!
Sarah Baker: Classic.
Kate Baker: Like you said, twelve's a big number...
Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates.
Kate: Dude, three words: paper route.
Kate: You need a paramedic?
Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.
Kate: My book's getting published.
Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?
Kate: You've never said that.
Tom: (Sweeping Kate onto the bed) I'm telling you now, baby.
Lorraine: (Rushing from the room) Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?
Tom: (Between kisses) Can you hurry?
Jessica Baker: (about Mark) Your eccentricities and vision problems could be linked to any number of the Baker ancestors.
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Charlie: Then I'm good.
Kate: Okay, I'll stay a few extra days, but call me if anything's wrong. The house blows up, the kids stage a coup, I'm home.