Jim Davidson 'The Captain': (after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood) You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': (turns and starts sprinting to their cars) Run to the car, kids! don't look back! Run!
Mike Ditka: New game plan - pass the ball to the EYEtalians!
(Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on)
Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
Referee: (chasing him) You little... give it back!
Phil Weston: (grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back) Sorry about that.
Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?
Phil Weston: I have no idea.
Ann Hogan: Hi, Mr.Ditka. I was wondering - my son byong-sun is a little shy, so could I get an autograph?
Mike Ditka: Yeah, sure, how do you spell it?
Ann Hogan: B-Y-...
Mike Ditka: I think I got it.
Donna Jones: (walking away looking at autograph) Bing-bong?
Phil Weston: (to Barbara) My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
(quick cut to Ditka house)
Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
(lights a cigar)
Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
(gives cigar to Phil)
Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: (Phil hands back cigar) I'll get rid of it, honey!
Mike Ditka: I eat quitters and spit out their bones!
Sam Weston: You gotta lighten up.
Phil Weston: He started it!
Phil Weston: (Phil is being kicked out of Beantown) What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.
Beantown Employees: My name is Andy.
Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.
Phil Weston: What is that haunting aroma?
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.
Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?
Beantown Employees: (to coworker, annoyed) Half-caff...
Beantown Customers: Right, Half-caff.
Phil Weston: A Half-caff!
Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Sam Weston: (to customer) We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Beantown Customers: (annoyed) Yay.
Beantown Employees: Half-caff.
Phil Weston: Thanks.
(takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee)
Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!
Beantown Employees: (more pissed now) You shoulda waited for the jacket.
Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...
Beantown Employees: (to coworker) 'nother Half-caff!
Beantown Customers: (more pissed) Right, 'nother Half-caff!
Phil Weston: (to Barbara) Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?
Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong
(waving hands, gesturing)
Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: (all the kids laugh) Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
Ann Hogan: You ease up on him.
Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.
Phil Weston: Hey, I almost had you!
Buck Weston: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!
(Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game)
Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!
Barbara Weston: Hi!
Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck.
(she kisses him)
Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!
Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.
Phil Weston: (javelin drops just next to Barbara) Sorry. It's really windy!
Barbara Weston: (catching her breath) No it's not.
Phil Weston: It is over there.
Phil Weston: Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot?
Barbara Weston: I am not a robot!
Buck Weston: We've got balls!
Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Buck Weston: But mostly balls!
Phil Weston: (with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams)
Phil Weston: AND VITAMINS!
The Tigers: (winning team, shouting) Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.
(throws down his clipboard and walks off)
Phil Weston: (picks it up) Can I have this?
Phil Weston: Sure.
Phil Weston: Alllllright!
Ann Hogan: Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering
(hands him a pad to autograph)
Mike Ditka: Sure, 'be happy to.
Ann Hogan: Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun
Ann Hogan: B-Y...
Mike Ditka: (autographing) I think I got it.
(hands it back to them)
Mike Ditka: Bye bye.
Mike Ditka: (to Phil, awkwardly) Just... a wonderful couple.
Ann Hogan: (looking at the autograph) What...
Donna Jones: "Bing Bong"?
Mike Ditka: Every good thing starts with a Brat!
Phil Weston: (to Gian Piero and Massimo) Take the field. Taka the fielda.
Referee: Where do I know you from?
Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!
Referee: No, that ain't it.
Phil Weston: That's definitely it!
Referee: I'll figure it out.
Donna Jones: (second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip) Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'
Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
(kid starts attacking him)
Phil Weston: GET HIM OFF ME!
(someone pulls kid off)
Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!
Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian?
Gian Piero: Pizza!
Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"?
Gian Piero: Spaghetti!
Ambrose: Italian's easy.
Byong Sun: (introducing himself) I'm Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.
Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun: No sir.
Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.
(Ambrose gives him a dirty look)
Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
Phil Weston: (reading title) My Child is Shy. Thanks.
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?
Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Oh, I see.
Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.
(realizing they are lesbians)
Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Neighbor: SHUT UP OUT THERE!
Phil Weston: YOU SHUT UP IN THERE!
Mike Ditka: Coffee is the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions.
Mike Ditka: Did you just kick your son?
Phil Weston: Yeah.
Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
Sam Weston: What?
Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Neighbor: Shut up out there!
Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
(continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard)
Phil Weston: (passing out DVDs) These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".
(he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace)
Phil Weston: (hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery) Here, hold this.
Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.
Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.
Barbara Weston: Who did that?
Phil Weston: (pointing to Mark) He did.
The Tigers: HE DID!
Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!
(the kids all descend upon him)
Mike Ditka: (team is doing push-ups) If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you $10,000 apiece.
Phil Weston: This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.
Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?
Mike Ditka: Shut up!
Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you!
Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Buck Weston: (to Phil) Be warned, muchacho! You're in the show, now!
Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air!
Buck Weston: I take a vitamin everyday. It's called a steak.
Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?
(indicating Phil's smaller sedan)
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
Phil Weston: I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.
Buck Weston: Oh, this oughtta be good. If we live long enough, we'll see Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers.
Mike Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, Weston. My Superbowl ring was making too much noise.
Phil Weston: (Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises) 'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay?
(Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed)
Phil Weston: So when i took over for Coach Benson...
Clark: (interrupting) I hear he's a woman now!
(laughter from the party guests)
Buck Weston: Yeah.
Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.
Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.
Umberto: (making the two boys recite) Prima la carne, prima la carne.
Gian Piero: Prima la carne.
Massimo: Prima la carne.
Phil Weston: What?
Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!
Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!
Phil Weston: (on park pay phone with Umberto) I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!
Party Guests: (singing) Happy Birthday to you! Happy...
Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!
Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: C'mon!
Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...
Mike Ditka: '85.
Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!
Phil Weston: Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more!
Buck Weston: Heh.