The Heartbreak Kid Quotes

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Lila: Oh Grouchy Marx, calm down. (imdb.com)

Eddie Cantrow: (about Lila) She doesn't have a great sense of humor.
Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...
Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out. (imdb.com)

10 Year Old Girl: Are you like a widow or something?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.
10 Year Old Girl: Sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: He's full of it. He's gay.
Eddie Cantrow: No. I'm not gay.
12 Year Old Twin: Let's play 5 in 5 then.
Eddie Cantrow: What is that?
12 Year Old Twin: It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.
Eddie Cantrow: (shrugs) Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: Quick - how'd your wife die?
Eddie Cantrow: Murdered.
12 Year Old Twin: How?
Eddie Cantrow: Icepick.
12 Year Old Twin: They get the guy?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah.
12 Year Old Twin: What was his name?
Eddie Cantrow: Ronald.
12 Year Old Twin: Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?
Eddie Cantrow: Brad Pitt.
12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin: (point and laugh victoriously)
Eddie Cantrow: No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise... (imdb.com)

Eddie Cantrow: (to the 12 Year Old Twins) You know what? Why don't you take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road. Homophobic hobbits. (imdb.com)

Eddie Cantrow: You're in debt? What kind of debt?
Lila: You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people. (imdb.com)

Martin: I smell something weird down here. Smells like ya`ll been hitting the Devil`s lettuce.

Eddie Cantrow: This is my dad.
Lila: Oh, hi Dad.
Doc: Nice to meet you, Lila.
Lila: How do you know my name?
Doc: Okay, cat`s out of the bag. My son found your panties on the sidewalk and we`ve been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies.

Doc: Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it!

Mac: Happy wife, happy life!

Doc: So, what`s new Eddie? Anything exciting?
Eddie Cantrow: Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that`s been kind of cool.
Doc: Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin` any pussy?

(last lines)
Eddie Cantrow: Fuck me.

Martin: Miranda, we are ready to play parcheesi!

Lila: I wouldn`t change a darn thing because it made me who I am today, and do you know who I am today?
Eddie Cantrow: Who are you.
Lila: I`m Mrs. Edmond Cantrow.
Eddie Cantrow: Edward.
Lila: Edward? You didn`t tell me that!

Lila: Oh Grouchy Marx, calm down.

Eddie Cantrow: Oh, excuse me.
Flamboyant Man: Yeah.
Eddie Cantrow: Hey, are you running this whole thing?
Flamboyant Man: Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he`s the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.
Eddie Cantrow: No, no. I didn`t - I didn`t mean that.
Flamboyant Man: Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.
(the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them)
Wedding Coordinator: (in a sing-song voice) Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!
(simpering)
Wedding Coordinator: How can I help you?
(after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away)

10 Year Old Girl: Are you like a widow or something?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, I`m a widow. Yeah.
10 Year Old Girl: Sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: He`s full of it. He`s gay.
Eddie Cantrow: No. I`m not gay.
12 Year Old Twin: Let`s play 5 in 5 then.
Eddie Cantrow: What is that?
12 Year Old Twin: It`s where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you`re telling the truth, then you shouldn`t have to think.
Eddie Cantrow: (shrugs) Yeah, I don`t wanna play your game, sorry.
12 Year Old Twin: Quick - how`d your wife die?
Eddie Cantrow: Murdered.
12 Year Old Twin: How?
Eddie Cantrow: Icepick.
12 Year Old Twin: They get the guy?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah.
12 Year Old Twin: What was his name?
Eddie Cantrow: Ronald.
12 Year Old Twin: Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who`s hotter?
Eddie Cantrow: Brad Pitt.
12 Year Old Twin, 12 Year Old Twin: (point and laugh victoriously)
Eddie Cantrow: No no, no, I thought you meant who`s hotter career-wise...

Doc: Come on, kid, let`s get out of here. Bitches be crazy, you know that.

Eddie Cantrow: Hey, Martin!
Martin: Hello, asshole.
Eddie Cantrow: Great to see you too!

Eddie Cantrow: (to the 12 Year Old Twins) You know what? Why don`t you take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road. Homophobic hobbits.

Eddie Cantrow: You`re in debt? What kind of debt?
Lila: You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people.

Lila: Fuck me like a black guy, Eddie, come on!

Eddie Cantrow: I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.
Buzz: Oh, you`re too much. Really?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed down and -
(growls)
Eddie Cantrow: (everyone stops laughing)
Eddie Cantrow: It was not pretty.
(pause)
Gayla: Did you file charges?
Eddie Cantrow: No, I...
Miranda: He was making a joke, Gayla.
Deborah: About anal rape...?

Eddie Cantrow: (about Lila) She doesn`t have a great sense of humor.
Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny`s a male gene, you idiot. Haven`t you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she`s a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Evelyn DeGeneres, Rosie O`Donnell...
Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she`s great, I think she`s hot. Great ass. Check it out.

Eddie Cantrow: Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?
Tito: Yes. Uh, may I ask who`s inquiring?
Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, my name`s Eddie Cantrow and I`m a friend of a friend of his. I`m supposed to give him something.
Tito: I`m sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He`s actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I`m not speaking about the kind of rooster.
Eddie Cantrow: Oh.
Tito: Screw off! I`m joking, man! C`mon! I am Uncle Tito.

(repeated line)
Tito: Screw off! I`m joking, man!