Gilmore Girls Quotes

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Lane: Oh my God, you guys walk fast. I`ve been chasing you for the past two blocks.
Rory: Hey, we were being followed.
Lorelai: I told you I wasn`t just being paranoid. Maybe next time you`ll take me seriously when I tell you furniture moved itself.

Luke: Crazy people. Whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping pong tables and hand puppets.

Lorelai: Do you know how to make coffee?
Christopher: Yes, I do.
Lorelai: My coffee?
Christopher: One bag of coffee per cup of water, right?
Lorelai: Perfect.

(while studying for exams)
Rory: Okay. You should get back to your studying.
Lorelai: Fine. Oh, great.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I think I`ve already forgotten everything I read in the last two hours.
Rory: No, you haven`t.
Lorelai: Yes, I have. In fact, I may have forgotten everything that I`ve ever known. Child, what be your name?
Rory: Study.

(on swans)
Michel: I will never go near those filthy birds.
Lorelai: Why?
Michel: I hate the swans.
Lorelai: These particular swans?
Michel: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that.
Lorelai: (laughing) Oh no - not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery *NSYNC kind of fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.

(while playing a carnival game)
Clara: Jess can`t throw.
Jess: I can, too.
Clara: You missed every time.
Jess: I can`t concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. It`s like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear.

Emily: You`re having a baby - do you know that, Lorelai?
Lorelai: Well, that explains the stomachache.

Rory: But we want to be spontaneous. Jump a train to Paris, head off to Spain.
Lorelai: Oh no, it`s raining in Spain. But since the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain...
Rory: Looks like Italy for us.
Lorelai: Mamma mia.

(looking at baby Rory)
Christopher: She`s pretty.
Lorelai: She`s perfect.

Dean: I gotta place an order.
Jess: Talk into the clown.
Dean: I am.

Rory: (reading titles of travel books) "Selected Hotels of Europe," "Hotels, Restaurants and Inns of Great Britain and Ireland, 1986", "Myra Waldo`s Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, `78."
Lorelai: Wow, these will be an enormous help in planning our trip. Hey, you wanna go see the Berlin Wall?
Rory: Sounds great.

Young Christopher: Let`s celebrate.
Young Lorelai: Celebrate what?
Young Christopher: No more midterms.
Young Lorelai: Hear, hear.
Young Christopher: Okay, I say that we drink to it.
Young Lorelai: Hear, hear.
Young Christopher: Scotch, vodka, or gin?
Young Lorelai: Hear, hear.
Young Christopher: Okay.
Young Lorelai: And put a cherry in it.

(after Michel has begged Lorelai to take him to an auction run by her mother)
Lorelai: Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be in the lobby at six o`clock Friday morning. You have to hand out towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name.
Michel: Fine, I will let them give me a nature name.
Lorelai: All right, then, you can come.
Michel: Thank you.
Lorelai: Buttercup.
Michel: You cannot give them suggestions.

Paris: Pack up the chastity belt, Gilmore. You`re going to Harvard.

Luke: You tuck a bed in on both sides?
Lorelai: Yeah, and then I slip in, like it`s a straightjacket.
Luke: Oh, you must feel at home there.

Zach: Hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.
Liza: You`re Mr. Announcement Guy today.
Zach: What, are you going to pipe in every time I talk?
Liza: Can it.
Zach: Stuff it.
Lorelai: They`re in love.
Sooke: Clearly.

Rory: How come we don`t have a tiki bar?
Lorelai: Because we`re not two wild and crazy guys.
Rory: You like pina colodas.
Lorelai: And getting caught in the rain.

Rory: Why me?
Paris: Because people like you. You`re quiet. You say "excuse me". You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning.

("Gilmore Girls: Beginnings" opening narration)
Lorelai: There are many paths in life. There`s the "Hey, you`re cute, sure, I`ll marry you after graduation and med school" and the "Can you drive Susie to soccer today, `cause I`ve got a pediure?" path. And then there`s my path, where I found myself 16 and pregnant and I realized "I have to get a job, I have to raise a kid and being me, I have to do it all by myself." Not easy. But the thing with my path was, when I reached the end, I turned around and realized I`d ended up someplace really good.

(Lorelai`s parents walk into the Inn)
Lorelai: (moaning) They`re here.
Rory: Who?
Lorelai: The Joyless Luck Club.

(Jimmy`s girlfriend`s daughter, Lily, likes to read under tables and in closets)
Jess: She do that a lot?
Jimmy: All the time.
Jess: You ever find it a little weird?
Jimmy: All the time.

(Lorelai swallows several pills)
Emily: What are you taking?
Lorelai: Rufies?
Rory: Aspirin.

Paris: I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face.
Rory: Oh, Paris.
Paris: It seems that I was allergic to the crap metal hoop that I paid $19.95 to have jammed into my nose.
Louise: Did you take a picture?
Paris: No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you`ve not yet faced.

Rory: Solidarity sister.
Lorelai: Ya Ya.
Rory: You`ve been waiting all summer to say that haven`t you?
Lorelai: Ya Ya.

(to Luke)
Lorelai: Date her, marry her, make her Mrs. Backwards baseball cap. See if I care.

Rory: I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don`t care who knows it.

(Lorelai and Rory arrive late to the town meeting)
Taylor: Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Ooh, yes, I hope I`m not pregnant.
Taylor: What?
Lorelai: Are these seats taken?

(Luke`s deceased Uncle Louie is being buried with his prized possessions)
Luke: Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. For God`s sake, he`s even selfish in death. Other people would`ve loved to have had those baseball cards. I would`ve loved to have those baseball cards. He`s got Lou Gehrig`s rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others - but no. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him.

Luke: What was wrong with that place?
Jess: It was pink.
Luke: We can paint it.
Jess: You mean I can paint it.
Luke: *We* can paint it *together*
Jess: Great, and afterwards we can hold hands and skip around.

(Kirk is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. Luke is trying to give him his check)
Luke: You`ve been sitting there for two hours.
Kirk: I just want a little more coffee.
Luke: You`ve had eight refills.
Kirk: You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want.
Luke: I bet you know what I`m gonna say next.
Kirk: That we`re not in France?
Luke: Give or take a profanity.
Kirk: Fine, I`ll go. Can I have my check?
(Luke picks up the check already on the table and slams it down)

Paris: I didn`t get into Harvard. I had SEX, but I didn`t get into Harvard. If you had asked me last year which I thought was more likely, it WOULD NOT have been not getting into Harvard.

Luke: I`m closing down the diner for a couple of weeks and taking Nicole on a little trip.
Rory: Fun.
Luke: We`re driving through Western Canada and then taking a cruise up to Alaska.
Rory: A cruise?
Lorelai: Intimate.
Luke: I guess. Is it?
Lorelai: (singing) The Love Boat.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: A cruise is a good spot to get down on one knee.
Luke: And do my ventriloquist act?

Lorelai: (walking into Luke`s diner) Give me a burger, onion rings, cheese fries, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I`m lookin` for some heroes.

Jason: I didn`t know you were so close to your mother.
Lorelai: I`m not.
Jason: Then why are you defending her?
Lorelai: Every family needs its Fredo.
Jason: Yeah, and Fredo`s family put two bullets into the back of his head.

Jason: You`re still mad about that.
Lorelai: I was fully dressed.
Jason: I remember. Green T-shirt, no bra.
Lorelai: What?
Jason: Trust me. I was the hero of Cabin 5 for the rest of the summer.

Kirk: If you`ll just follow me, I would like to present you with my new line of one-of-a-kind mailboxes.
Lorelai: Wow. They look very nice, Kirk.
Kirk: And whimsical. They say to the world, "I`ll take my mail with a smile."
Lorelai: Yes, they do say that.
Kirk: And since you are one of our preferred customers, with the purchase of one of our mailboxes, I`ll throw in a carved-duck doorstop and a garlic peeler.
Lorelai: Wow. That`s quite an offer, Kirk. But I think it`s a little early to pick a mailbox. We haven`t even settled on a color for the inn yet.
Kirk: Well, whimsy goes with everything.
Lorelai: Kirk, I promise, just as soon as... is that Condoleezza Rice?
Kirk: Yes, it is. I`m a fan and her big mouth is perfect for shoving mail in.

Jason: And trust me: nothing bonds two businessmen together more than one of them finding the other hungover with a hooker in their bed the next morning.

Emily: You have the word "Juicy" on your rear end.
Lorelai: Well, if I knew you were coming over, I would`ve changed.
Emily: Into what? A brassiere with the word "Tasty" on it?

Lorelai: Jason, my mother is a corporate wife. Her job is putting these parties on. And you put her out of work. You know that; your mother does the same thing. Imagine if you took these functions away from her. What would she have left?
Jason: More time with the pool boy?

Luke: I don`t even like kids. They always have jam on their hands. Even when there isn`t any jam in the house, they get jam on their hands. I can`t deal with jam hands.

Emily: You know, some men retire.
Richard: Yes, and some men tattoo their mother`s names on their biceps.
Emily: I don`t think the two are necessarily linked.

Lorelai: My mother - she was here. I can feel it.
Rory: Grandma hasn`t been here.
Lorelai: Smell that?
Rory: Smell what?
Lorelai: The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5

Rory: Janet`s out jogging so I don`t know what she thinks, but I have to hope she`s pleased `cause that girl`s in shape and can kick my butt.
Lorelai: Well, just make sure there`s something she likes on the TV when she gets home. Something soothing to runners - maybe something that goes in a circle over and over.

Sookie: A child is not a duvet cover. You can`t just take it back if it doesn`t like you.
Lorelai: Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They`re like golden retrievers.
Sookie: You know what happens when kids don`t like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.
Lorelai: Wow, now you can`t have kids or live next door to them.

Lorelai: This is a misogynistic truck.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: It`s anti-woman, it`s gender-selective, it`s "Oh, let`s drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."

Luke: Okay, if I give you my lawyer`s name, will you leave?
Russell: I will leave.
Luke: Okay, you ready?
Russell: Yes.
Luke: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey...
Russell: Dewey.
Luke: Cheatham...
Russell: Cheatham.
Luke: And Howe.
Russell: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.

Lorelai: Well, I can`t take it back to Yale.
Luke: I`m not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Lorelai: Well, then I`m stuck here.
Luke: Fine, because I need my truck back.
Lorelai: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
Luke: I`m not taking the mattress.
Lorelai: Then let me take the truck.
Luke: But that means you take the mattress.
Lorelai: I can`t take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can`t have the truck.
Lorelai: But that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
Lorelai: I can`t take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can`t have the truck.
Lorelai: And that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: We`ve been here before.
Lorelai: I recognize that tree.

Lorelai: All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it`s sooner than I planned.

Rory: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn`t you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?
Lorelai: Where`d we get this hash we were smuggling?
Rory: You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren`t looking.
Lorelai: At least tell me he was cute.
Rory: He was not bad for a hash dealer.

Lorelai: She`s making cocoa `cause you gave her an itinerary.
Rory: I may have given her the itinerary, but you`re the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.
Lorelai: Reality has absolutely no place in our world.