Dr. Kelso: (after wanting rounds back) Dr. Cox, could I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Cox: Okay, Bobbo. But you're just gonna have to put your hand up like the other interns.
Dr. Kelso: Please?
Dr. Cox: Come on now, Bobbo. You've got five good ones right there. Just put 'em in the air like you just don't care.
Dr. Kelso: Get here right now!
Dr. Cox: Who're you?
Janitor: Just a man with a saw.
Turk: It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date.
J.D.: Turk, why are you so afraid of loving me?
J.D.: Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.
Janitor: (Janitor, Todd, Laverne, and Ted are all mad at Carla and ominous music plays as the walk by) Guys, we're supposed to be giving the evil eye here and I'm the only one doing it. Ted you're giving sad eye!
Ted: It's all I've got!
Janitor: Now try it again.
(they all stare with "evil eye")
Janitor: That's better. Todd, great commitment.
Todd: I just thought about flat boobies and it made me mad.
Dr. Kelso: And I need you to crunch the numbers on next year's budget.
Ted: Sir, that would be a job for the accounting department. I'm an attorney.
Dr. Kelso: Uh-huh, and speaking of crunching, I have been jonesing for some Double-Stuf Oreos all day. Why don't you see if you can't hook me up?
J.D.: Hey there, research buddy!
Dr. Cox: We're only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.
J.D.: (hits a bell) Things Jordan says during sex!
(drops giant stack of carefully sorted files)
J.D.: ... there's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.
Dr. Cox: (hits a bell) Things you say when you talk to your patients.
Dr. Cox: So, now... why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi?
Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed... and he has an awesome CD collection.
Dr. Cox: Seriously, what got you to the point where you weren't scared any more?
Carla: Please! I'm still terrified! I mean, good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why?
Dr. Cox: Why?
Carla: Ate 'em all.
Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me.
(Turk is talking about a rival surgeon)
Chris Turk: Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse.
J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot: (to Turk) I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
J.D.: Not entirely unlike a... ninja.
Chris Turk: Awww... Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?
J.D.: Why don't you use Power Rangers?
Chris Turk: How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco?
J.D.: Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed?
Chris Turk: How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman!
J.D.: Power Rangers ho!
Dr. Cox: You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless.
Dr. Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz...
Dr. Cox: I... beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
Dr. Cox: You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.
Elliot: Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.
Turk: Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me! I'm marrying Carla - who do you think wears the pants? And the shirts... and the shoes... and sometimes my underwear.
Turk: I said nothing.
(Carla is escorting a patient, a boy named Ralphie, to Pediatrics)
Carla: Come on, Ralphie.
(he notices her engagement ring)
Ralphie: I had that inside of me.
Nurse Roberts: What, now?
Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on.
Ralphie: I swallowed that ring, and my dad had to wait for me to go Number Two. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut.
(Carla gasps and drags Ralphie down the hall)
Nurse Roberts: (to herself) Mm. Good show today.
Dr. Kelso: Ketchup is for winners, Ted!
Dr. Kelso: I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Yawn.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me.
Dr. Cox: Wow! Seriously?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah!
Dr. Cox: Not interested.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't ask if you were interested.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.
Dr. Kelso: Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page!
Dr. Cox: Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?
Dr. Kelso: (coldly) Ted's not an impressive man.
Ted: Hey...! That - Ah, he's right.
(Dr. Cox stands before a room of board members)
Dr. Cox: I would like to make special mention of one intern here: John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely confident, and his enthusiasm - and his determination to always be better - is something I see in him twenty-four hours a day. He cares. Probably cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose.
Elliot: Kevin left. Didn't even say goodbye.
J.D.: Elliot, he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people. Just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dogg Intern...
Snoop Dogg Intern: Where my hoes at?
J.D.: I haven't seen them.
(Dr. Kelso greets a couple of orderlies who arrive with an occupied body bag on a gurney from a traffic accident)
Dr. Kelso: Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body... or at least some garlic knots.
Chris Turk: Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso: I don't think so.
(to the dead body)
Dr. Kelso: Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?
(He bends down to listen at the head of the gurney)
Dr. Kelso: Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two... except of course that a yellow light means to slow down.
(He chuckles morbidly)
(J.D. is talking to a patient with a coma, describing his hardships)
Coma Guy: Yeah, that's rough... I'm in a coma. I've had an itch on my foot for the last eight months.
Dr. Cox: I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.
J.D.: I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: (snatching one of the cards) Thank you.
(Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine)
Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
Carla: Please! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
Dr. Cox: Would you please get off my ex-wife?
Carla: I will if you will.
(Cox breaks down laughing)
Dr. Cox: Well... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke!
(Elliot and Carla treat Maggie, a patient who wants to loose her virginity before dying)
Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay _money_ for sex.
Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though, my mom... She gets lonely.
Dr. Cox: (Dr. Kelso gives him a latte) Boy oh boy, you are really digging the heck out of this "secret friendship" thing.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it has all the thrills of an affair without all that exhausting sex.
Dr. Kelso: Sweet dancing Jehovah! I've punctured my brain.
Janitor: (J.D. and Turk have been stealing hospital supplies) Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?
J.D.: (stammers) No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper.
Janitor: (Janitor stares)
J.D.: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
J.D.: BIDET to you sir.
Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy all this new-agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. And d'you know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.
(JD and Turk are walking outside the hospital when a computer falls from the building and lands in front of them; Dr. Cox is sticking his body out a high story window)
Dr. Cox: Sorry, girls, I seemed to have dropped my computer... meh-ya.
Dr. Cox: I don't want to hear anything out of that man's mouth other than Oh no, I'm dying, there's a bright light, but wait a minute, this is wrong, I'm in hell! Hitler, Musollini... Captain Kangaroo? That's not right.
J.D.: (voiceover) I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way - by touching everything in his first patient's room.
Dr. Kevin Casey: (touching things) Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink...
Dr. Kelso: (enters room)
Dr. Kevin Casey: (touches Dr. Kelso's nose)
Dr. Kelso: Oh, well I suppose that's how they say hello in Cuckoo town. The patients on this wing have been complaining about hearing strange noises.
Dr. Kevin Casey: If it's bink I can explain.
Dr. Kelso: It's not bink.
J.D.: Is it I come from the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? That wasn't me.
Dr. Kelso: Just figure it out, dammit!
Dr. Kelso: (leaves)
Dr. Kevin Casey: Do you plunder?
J.D.: I have been known to.
Janitor: What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?
Carla: You really want to be a security guard?
Janitor: Who around here commands more respect than the men who wear blue and green?
Turk: The uniforms are black and grey.
Janitor: You got me. I don't see colors well. Happy now?
(after allowing Dr. Kelso to slip)
Janitor: I liked the way blond-hair-doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care about that, do you? No... because you're unconscious.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things".
Elliot: Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?
Nurse Roberts: Have you been drinkin'?
Elliot: Position one, two or three?
J.D.: We only had two.
Elliot: Oh yeah. Then I have to show you something later.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for, was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here...
J.D.: (thinking) Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!
J.D.: Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long.
(to Dr. Cox)
J.D.: And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE.
(to Carla and Turk)
J.D.: And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?
J.D.: And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.
(JD storms out of the cafeteria, passing Nurse Roberts)
Nurse Roberts: Did I miss something good?
Chris Turk: Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
J.D.: (after slamming his hand in the hinged counter) Aaaah! My 'me time' hand!
Elliot: Thanks again for helping me look for Carla.
Janitor: No problem. I'll check the dumpster.
Elliot: ...We're not looking for *dead* Carla.
Janitor: Atta girl. You stay optimistic.
(classroom full of residents are unruly and not paying attention to Dr. Cox. The entire room suddenly becomes silent at the sight of Dr. Cox fuming)
Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say, thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollypops, and lets face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because you see I
(pointing at self)
Dr. Cox: am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass outa here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.
J.D.: Oh, Mrs. Grodberg, JZILBEK is not a word
Mrs. Grodberg: But I'm still beating you...
J.D.: Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins.
J.D.: (thinks) Half a brain, dammit!
J.D.: Ahh. Uncomfortable silences and alcohol. Just like thanksgiving at home...
Dr. Cox: So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem, but here's the problem, newbie, it ain't my problem.
Dr. Cox: (whistles) Let's go, field trip.
Chris Turk: I got things to do, you know.
(still, he follows Dr. Cox)
Dr. Cox: Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts!
Chris Turk: Carla put you up to this?
Dr. Cox: No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around.
(Turk gives him a look)
Dr. Cox: (firm) Turn around.
(Turk does turn around, and the two look into the observation window of a patient in the I.C.U. The family is gathered around the bed as Dr. Wen speaks to them)
Dr. Cox: You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And... sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.
Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.
(Turk threatens to sue Dr. Kelso)
Dr. Kelso: I can make little Dr. Turk action figures. They'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it goes "I don't like these posters of me!" Isn't that right, Ned?
Ted: Oh, definitely, sir. But... from a legal standpoint, you'd be somewhat vulnerable...
Dr. Kelso: How vulnerable?
Ted: Sir, that law suit would be over so quickly I would advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer back to his place.