Leonard: My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.
Penny: What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
Sheldon: It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...
Penny: Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!
Howard: Actually, that was last year... (en.wikiquote.org)
Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log onto www dot socalphysicsgroup dot org forward slash activities forward slash other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire. (en.wikiquote.org)
Leonard: (seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is) What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on THIS end of THIS couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal...
Leonard: You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day (en.wikiquote.org)
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough. (en.wikiquote.org)
Leonard: You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.
Raj (to Priya on the phone): Look, if you want your relationship with Leonard to continue you're going to have to believe whatever wild-eyed c*ckamamie excuse the white devil has the nerve to offer you.
Penny: Do you want some coffee liqueur on your ice cream?
Amy: Ah, here's the alcohol and drug peer pressure mother warned me about. I was starting to think it was never going to happen! Yes, please!
Priya: Leonard, let the man pee. (tvfanatic.com)
Leonard: Oh, cool, I've got a lawyer and I've seen her naked.
(To a box of expensive shoes she's about to take back)
Penny: I'm sorry, shoes, but you have to go back.
Shoebox (Penny): But, Penny, we love you.
Penny: I love you, too, but you cost more than my rent.
Shoebox (Penny): But Penny, you look so good in us.
Penny: (To Amy) Damn it, the shoes are right! (tvfanatic.com)
Leonard: Does your family have a history of heart disease?
Wolowitz: My family is the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this. (mimicks heart attack)
Doctor: You brought a Catholic girl home to you mother? Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax.
Bernadette: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!
Priya: They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves the New Delhi Power Rangers.
Penny: How old were they?
Priya: Not as old as you'd want them to be.
Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I'm getting my Ph.D!!
(the other congratulate her)
Penny: Wow! So that means that....(points around the table to all the Ph.D's) You're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, YOU'RE a doctor, and Howard....you know a lot of doctors!!
Amy: Have you considered massage?
Sheldon: I'd like to respond to that sarcastically: Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.
Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your OWN hands.
Sheldon: (aback) Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching... (tvfanatic.com)
Raj: Well, to paraphrase Shakespeare: It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
Penny: Oh... you poor baby.
Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends - and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story - I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right. E = MC squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen. (tvfanatic.com)
Penny: Oh, okay, look. THIS. NEVER. HAPPENED. Do you understand me?
Penny: Really?! Still can't talk to me?!
Raj: Can I bring girls here?
Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.
Raj: Okay, deal.
Leonard: Just not against their will. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Raj: I was sleeping!
Leonard: In my bed?
Raj: Well, I would have slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family ... and the memory of Gene Roddenberry! (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Penny: No, I can't. Sheldon, honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be 'weird' if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rainwater? (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: According to the Roommate Agreement, Paragraph 9, Subsection B: The right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure, and believe me, I am experiencing a very majeure force! (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense. Let's say that I go out and I spend 50 dollars on you. It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need whereas you know what you need. Now I could simplify things, just give you the 50 dollars directly and then you could give me 50 dollars on my birthday and so on; until one of us dies leaving the other one old and 50 dollar richer and I ask you is, it worth it? (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: Don't worry. As you tertiary friend I'm prepared to step in and comfort you.
Howard: It's not really necessary.
Sheldon: Ah no. I'll finish making the tea while you narcisistically ramble on about whatever's troubling you.
Sheldon: That's what tertiary friends are for! (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: We are only as strong as our weakest bladder. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Penny: I'm running really late (to work).
Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution: Go up to the roof, hop over to next building, there's a small gap, don't look if you suffer of vertigo, and use their stairwell.
Penny: You are joking, right?
Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: What I am doing here is trying to determine when I am going to die.
Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger: the Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something that's like a Big Boy? (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: I don't come over to your house changing things on your boards.
Leslie: That's because I don't have mistakes on my boards.
Leslie: When you think up an adjective text me. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a "glorified high school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts."
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that with, "with all due respect." (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: As usual, you're all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor that gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard: How about the guy gets a prostate exam from Wolverine? (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Leonard: Do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America Membership card?
Sheldon: It's been in every wallet I owned since I was five.
Sheldon: It says keep this on your person at all times. It's right here under Batman's signature. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating, Leonard would get bored with me?
Sheldon: That depends.
Penny: On what?
Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge on Quantum Physics?
Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon?
Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks? (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Leonard: I guess we'll just take (a TV cabinet) up (the stairs) ourselves.
Sheldon: We don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper-body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength. We're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever, and I can move the Earth. (Trying to move the box) It's just a matter of... I don't have this. I don't have this. I don't have it!
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys are in the bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: I just don't understand; how can beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his keys in the first place?
Sheldon: I left them in the bowl. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: (Knocking on Penny's door early in the morning). Penny, Penny, Penny!
(Penny opens the door).
Sheldon: Good morning.
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do, my watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second, but as I'm saying this it occurs to me once again your question may have been rhetorical. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Sheldon: Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community-college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.
Penny: ...yeah. Well, my question is - and I'm pretty sure I know the answer - is this your first date?
Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus 4th of July Hoedown count as a date?
Sheldon: Then this is my first date. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Amy: (Via Laptop) What up bestie? Good news! Thanks to you I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.
Amy: So, you feeling better?
Penny: Not really.
Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who's upset.
Sheldon: I'll make tea.
Penny: Sweetie, it's OK. I don't want tea.
Sheldon: It's not optional! (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: (to Penny) I understand why you're upset. You're afraid that costume makes you look fat. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Leonard: I don't think I can go to the North Pole.
Sheldon: OK, Leonard, I know you're concerned about disappointing me, but I want you to take comfort from the knowledge that my expectations of you are very low. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: I'll have a diet Coke.
Penny: Can you please order a c*cktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine... I'll have a v*rgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's... rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes, and would you make it diet? (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: At my age do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That's how I'm going to make it look. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
*In the jail*
Sheldon: That's the toilet?
Policeman: Well, it sure ain't a wishin' well!
Sheldon: Please tell your judge I'm ready to apologize. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard: What's wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other sort of cocusses.
Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancé is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm NOT taking you home!
Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take! (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: (Looking for a book) "Barney bunny has two daddies now" Probably something about homosexual rabbits. (the-big-bang-theory.com)
Sheldon: No mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I am home safe does not prove it worked, that logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc. No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk. (the-big-bang-theory.com)